I have decided to try to wipe the slate clean in my mind. I don't really know if this is possible, but I think I'm tired of my way of thinking. It's just I don't see anything I'm thinking through played out in real life around me. And to be honest, I've been thinking for a while that I have some sort of corner on the right way of doing church (I have no idea why I think this, I apparently have a very high opinion of myself). But lately I've realized very acutely that my life is far from perfect or even sane, and maybe everybody else is right. And then...
Yesterday was my first chance in a long time to go to the church we joined. After joining we realized they were in the middle of a building campaign and I sucked it up and decided to stay anyway. Yesterday was my first visit to the new facility. It is very nice, it is very new. We are friends with the pastor and his wife and afterwards he came to me and asked how I liked the new sanctuary. I replied that it was beautiful (no lie there), and then he told me they were having lighting trouble. He said it was going to take about $10,000 more to get the stage lighting right. Oh. Here's where I smile and nod. Why do I smile and nod? Why don't I politely say "Why would you do that? Isn't there some better way to spend $10,000?" Or better yet, why don't I scream "WHAT?!?!?!?!?" And thus I am knocked right back into my old way of thinking, that may be the right way of thinking, but I am just tired. Is anyone else tired? I bet Jesus can think of lots of things to do with $10,000.
On a slightly different note (but sortof the same), I saw the movie "August Rush" yesterday. Loved it. It totally held me from the first few minutes. Yes, it was a chick flick, and yes it was a bit predictable, but I found it so spiritual. The way the boy viewed music was much like I think God is. He heard music everywhere, he said it called to him. The most beautiful line in the movie was when the boy asked Robin Williams character "Do you think everybody hears it?" and the reply "I don't think everybody is listening." Isn't that beautiful? Isn't that so much like God? Not "only special people can hear", but only that not everyone is listening. If we learned to really listen we could hear God everywhere. In the beginning of the movie he is standing in a field of wheat and the wind is blowing and he's just standing there smiling and moving his hands over it, it was so beautiful. I long to hear God in the way he was standing there smiling in that wheat field.
I pray that one day my life will reflect my thoughts. That my belief system and real life intersect in a way that people can just be with me and hear Jesus. But until then... I don't know. I don't even think those sentences made sense. Maybe Rebecca can tell me, since she's supposed to read my post.