Tuesday, August 18, 2009

"Life" is today.

Do you ever feel like you have to remind yourself "this is life, TODAY is your life, not what will happen tomorrow, or where you will be or what you will be doing... THIS is life." Lately I feel like I have to remind myself of that almost hourly so that I won't do nothing. I feel like there is so much uncertainty, craziness and poor attitudes surrounding me that it's hard to concentrate on LIVING. What if this state of "flux" lasts for months, years? I can't let life pass me by while I wait for.... life? I find myself wandering aimlessly around my house trying to decide what to do next. Not because there is nothing to do, but because I feel so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. Yesterday I found myself just standing in my kitchen doing nothing and I didn't know how long I had been there. Am I going crazy? Don't answer that.

So, all that to say, I want to get on with my life. But that is SO much easier said than done when only half of the marriage equation seems to be leaning in that direction. I mean, he's moving on because he has to, but he is still (of course) hurt and wounded and searching. I'm tired of hurt and wounded and searching, I want to LIVE. I want laughter in this house again, I want to do more playing with my kids and less "ya'll go play while I clean", I want to do things as a family and actually have FUN. I want to just say "we're here right now, dammit, so let's just LIVE".

But how do you go about getting there? When you can't even seem to think straight to make a simple decision like what to make for dinner, how do you change ruts that took years to make? When all you want to do is sleep/read/watch tv to numb your mind, how do you go about teaching your children things? Or even to stinkin remember to brush their teeth?

I want to be close to God again.
I want to have a hobby.
I want to wake up early and exercise.
I want to blog more.
I want to have friends again.
I want to run a marathon.
I want to teach a class.
I want to TAKE a class.
I want my husband to like me again.
I want to like me again.
I want 33 to be better than 30-32.

2 comments:

  1. Hey girl, I just read this and I COMPLETELY and TOTALLY understand what you are saying. I was there for years and some days I'm still in that place. I just never knew how to articulate what I was feeling as well as you just did in this post. My "I want" list is almost identical to yours. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I love you!

    P.S. I can't remember to brush my kids teeth either!

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  2. I don't have any wisdom for you. Just love. I wish we lived in the same town.

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