Thank you

Thank you to everyone who has been letting me know you are praying for us. It means alot to know that others care. Obviously I have been a bit down lately in my posting, I'm hoping one day sooner rather than later the postings will get a little more lighthearted. This one isn't. Sorry.

Thursday I took my dog, Boudreaux, to the vet because his mouth had been bleeding for several days. I was expecting that he had more problems with his teeth (we just went through a surgery and gross stiches and holes in his face), but no. Malignant Melanoma. He seems okay now, but the vet said from the way it looks like it has spread he probably only has a few more weeks before he stops eating. That was two days ago and the lump on his face has doubled since then and I'm afraid that I don't even have two weeks.

If you know me at all you know that I am attached to my dog. We have moved dozens of times, made and left friends, gone through hard emotional things and always Boudreaux was a constant for me. I have literally risked my life for this dog at times. If you're not a dog person (bufkin) you may not completely understand, but he was a lifesaver for me at times too. I went through some pretty bad depressions where I would just sit with him. When I miscarried I remember I didn't let myself cry until I got home and sat down with him. There has always been something about this dog. I can honestly say that when he goes I don't want another one. Just the prospect of losing him is too hard, so I can't imagine what the real thing is going to be like.

So anyway, add that to the list of things that seem to be going wrong all at once. Seriously, what is going on here? One thing at a time please.

Stress

I'm am consistently amazed by what stress can do to your body. I teach (although we are on hiatus) a class on Monday nights at our church about living a more healthy lifestyle, and our next subject is stress. I'm thinking of using myself as a prime example. My body is calling my bluff. I keep telling myself I'm okay, that things are getting better, that I'm not as stressed as I was before. And then my body says "no, no. you can't lie to me. I will show you what stressed FEELS like!" I have four, count them FOUR, issues that I deal with on a regular basis that ALL get worse when I'm stressed. All four are right now laughing at me.

My neck issues. I had a car wreck in college that did much more damage to my neck than it did to my car. I've been through physical therapy for it several times, chiropractors, massage therapists, acupuncture (actually this worked the best..), and it still gives me fits all the time. When I'm stressed out I hold all my tension in this one spot, thus the makings for a spasm that could put me on the couch for two days. This is coming, I can feel it.

Teeth grinding/jaw clenching. How the CRAP do you stop doing something that you do in your sleep!!!! Headaches and jaw pain, teeth pain for goodness sake, just from clenching my stupid jaw! I wake myself up in the middle of the night thinking some awful thing is happening in my home because of the terrible noise, and then realize it's just me crushing my own teeth.

Hypoglycemia. I've had problems with this since I was a baby. But for reasons I will never understand it gets much worse when I'm stressed, leading me eat more to avoid the sick/hungry feeling and therefore gain weight.

Panic Disorder. I was diagnosed with this last year after many episodes that landed me in the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. Several doctor and specialist visits later, several uncomfortable tests later - Panic disorder. This is unlike panic attacks in that there is no actual cause for them. When you have a panic attack it's generally for such things as you don't like small spaces and get stuck in one or such. Panic disorder means I can have a panic attack for no reason whatsoever. In normal life that means every few months or so a panic attack will come. In whatever the heck THIS normal is, it means every time the phone rings my heart will beat like it's going to explode for the next ten minutes.

So, obviously my body is telling me to relax. Someone please tell me how to do that! Whatever I am doing is not working.

Adding on to yesterday....

Just thought I'd post the humorous fact that my "cup of tea and falling asleep laughing to my favorite show" turned into 10 minutes of tea/show - several hours of cleaning up vomit from both children and sleeping on the couch to watch over one of them. Ah parenthood.

Living

Today was a beautiful day. For August in Louisiana the weather was as perfect as it could be. Only in the low eighties, no tangible humidity, not a cloud in the sky. I actually spent a solid 45 minutes today lying in the grass looking up at the sky. That is a great way to pray.

Sadie is sitting high in the "castle" (our play structure) holding George-the-cat as Jack throws handfuls of cut grass on the slide so that she can't come down. She's screaming, he's laughing, George is observing. Boudreaux is chewing a stick he found buried in the burn pile, so he is sure to be covered in soot before we go in the house. The smell of fresh-cut grass is in the air, leftover from my hour and a half long weed-eating marathon this afternoon. I am enjoying the wonders of wireless internet as I sit in my chair on the back porch watching life go by.

John wants to talk about the future. I don't exactly know why, but I don't. I think it's because I'm tired of yesterday and tomorrow. I just want today for now. I'm not sure that's a good place to be spiritually, but it's where I am. Of course that's easy for me to say, John is the one working two jobs to make ends meet. There are so many times in my life that I feel blessed with the non-dreaming personality that God gave me. Don't get me wrong, I have dreams sometimes, but most of the time I am completely content to live in today. There are times I think I should be different, dream bigger and have passionate pursuits, but times like these when the dreamer in the family is constantly ON, and constantly dreaming makes me happy I can just "be".

I have been thinking through what I want 33 to be like. Those things I said I wanted in my last post have been on my mind alot lately. I'm trying to figure out how to make a few of them reality. I need to be much more intentional about deepening my friendships and cultivating a few new ones. I need to start getting myself up early to pray and to exercise. Only I control if I do this or not, so there is really no reason to complain about it. I've decided to stop looking in the mirror and thinking about the way I "should" look, and realize that THIS is the way I DO look. I can't make my husband like me again, but I can become a more likeable person. Only I can change my attitude, and my attitude is what drives him away so often. These are just a few of the thoughts going round and round in my head.

My beautiful husband bought me the first two seasons of "Arrested Development" for my birthday, so this great day is going to end on a great note. Lying in bed, drinking a big cup of green tea, watching my favorite show as I laugh myself to sleep. And since Benjamin said once that blogging was useless without pictures I will end with a picture of my show!

"Life" is today.

Do you ever feel like you have to remind yourself "this is life, TODAY is your life, not what will happen tomorrow, or where you will be or what you will be doing... THIS is life." Lately I feel like I have to remind myself of that almost hourly so that I won't do nothing. I feel like there is so much uncertainty, craziness and poor attitudes surrounding me that it's hard to concentrate on LIVING. What if this state of "flux" lasts for months, years? I can't let life pass me by while I wait for.... life? I find myself wandering aimlessly around my house trying to decide what to do next. Not because there is nothing to do, but because I feel so overwhelmed I don't know where to start. Yesterday I found myself just standing in my kitchen doing nothing and I didn't know how long I had been there. Am I going crazy? Don't answer that.

So, all that to say, I want to get on with my life. But that is SO much easier said than done when only half of the marriage equation seems to be leaning in that direction. I mean, he's moving on because he has to, but he is still (of course) hurt and wounded and searching. I'm tired of hurt and wounded and searching, I want to LIVE. I want laughter in this house again, I want to do more playing with my kids and less "ya'll go play while I clean", I want to do things as a family and actually have FUN. I want to just say "we're here right now, dammit, so let's just LIVE".

But how do you go about getting there? When you can't even seem to think straight to make a simple decision like what to make for dinner, how do you change ruts that took years to make? When all you want to do is sleep/read/watch tv to numb your mind, how do you go about teaching your children things? Or even to stinkin remember to brush their teeth?

I want to be close to God again.
I want to have a hobby.
I want to wake up early and exercise.
I want to blog more.
I want to have friends again.
I want to run a marathon.
I want to teach a class.
I want to TAKE a class.
I want my husband to like me again.
I want to like me again.
I want 33 to be better than 30-32.