Meltdown

Monday: Sadie's birthday! Family party that ends with lightning striking our house. Firetrucks come. Firemen tromp.


Tuesday: Sadie's birthday party. 16 people in a basement hiding from a tornado singing "Happy Birthday".



Wednesday: Electricians show up to fix the light that was blown by the lightning. What they find is that our wiring is so bad and so dangerous that we need to move out immediately.

Thursday: I shift into neutral. Coasting. Barely thinking. Feeling like a giant jerk for being so upset about nothing but inconvenience when so many people are dealing with the loss of lives and homes from the same storm we were hiding from.

Friday: attempting to jam the gear from neutral to first. Not second or third, just first, but it's grinding.

We haven't heard back from the landlord yet if he is going to rewire the house, but either way this is about to get ugly. Best case scenerio: He rewires the house, but we still have to move out for several weeks and pack up all of our stuff because it will involve ripping out walls. Worst case scenerio: we move. soon.

I think from the last post you can tell I love this old house. I really do. I have rarely lived in a house I actually liked, but this one is SO me. And we were just making strides in our neighborhood ministry. Our neighborhood Easter Egg hunt last Saturday had 80 people! This move is hurting me.

Trying to remind myself on an hourly basis that God knew this was coming. That He has a plan for this and a place for us. I know in my head it is true, but my heart hurts anyway.

Please pray for this situation. Pray that we will find a place in our price range that meets our needs quickly! We will need to move soon or I will not be able to sleep through the night. I lay in bed wondering if our house is going to burn down as we sleep. I officially moved our children into our bedroom tonight so atleast I know if something happens we won't have to go find them. Neurotic, I know. But atleast I will sleep. A little.

We need and truly appreciate your prayers.

Lent Broken

It was going so well.

Ash Wednesday began my no-tv journey. My goal was to use the time I was wasting on tv to spend time with the Lord, or to minister in my home doing the chores I usually put off in order to watch what seemed like drivel. I wrote about it here, if you feel like reading.

It was going so well, until the spiral started. That's what I like to call my own personal descent into depression. Depression. Such an ugly word, but one that is familiar to me. I've dealt with it off and on for most of my life, thankfully most of the time only briefly. Only once have I had a clinical case that required doctors and medication. I say only once, but that "once" lasted a good two years.

Two years of thinking there must be something wrong with me. That I must not be a good enough Christian. That message came from outside and inside the church. Depression is so misunderstood inside our Christian subculture. I feel like that misunderstanding keeps alot of hurting people in the dark. Alot of people who need doctors and medication avoid them for fear of appearing weak in the faith. Silly. I've never once thought my Mom was a weak person for taking her diabetes medication. She has a medical issue, she treats it.

But still the feeling was there. Maybe I should pray more or read more or worship more or...or...or.... until one day Richard Blackaby handed my husband a piece of paper with a Doctor's phone number on it. My journey to freedom began that day. That little pill was not a "happy pill", but it put me on a level playing field where I could deal with my issues, and I am thankful for it.

But still, every now and then I return to the spiral.

Strangely, it's the little things that trigger. Give me a large task, I can handle it with ease. Give me six small tasks and I duck and run for cover. If I have too many places to go, too many errands to run, too many chores that I'm behind on, too much STUFF to worry about - I tend to panic. And sometimes I mean that literally, I have panic attacks. The attacks usually come when I don't realize how stressed I am and my body likes to tap me on the shoulder and say "woohoo, you can't handle all this, so I'm going to decommission you for a while", and then the fake heart attack starts. At least, that's what panic attacks feel like - fake heart attacks.

The spiral began last week. It was an especially bad day of stressful mothering and I lost it with my child. I mean lost it. I blew it BIG time. One of those nights of praying that I did not scar my child for life with words that should never have been spoken. That night ended in very little sleep because of my incredible guilt over the whole episode - which led to a day of being overtired from lack of sleep - which led to a grumpy mother because I was tired - which led to grumpy children who had a grumpy mother - and you see how the cycle goes. Then comes the spiral. It's a physical feeling, the sinking into the pit. It stabs. It taunts. It aches.

It hurts. Depression hurts.

And Monday night it led to insomnia. One of the worst parts of depression is the insomnia. You want to sleep all day because you are so mentally weary, then night comes and you can't. Monday night I couldn't read, I couldn't pray, there was nothing distracting me and I deeply did NOT want to go into that pit. So, lent was broken.

My promise broken.

Grace is for promises broken.

Grace is for sometimes-depressed, panicky, hot-head mothers who can't seem to control themselves.

I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. It's easy to do because I am not a finisher. I make promises to myself (all the time..) that I do not finish. Satan has definitely been reminding me of that over the last few days. And I've been reminding him right back that there is GRACE! Because of beautiful GRACE he cannot convince me of my failure! Because of GRACE I know that God loves me even when I slip, even when I break promises, even when I speak words that should not have been spoken or let my mind dwell on thoughts that are unhealthy. Grace, grace, grace!

The cross brought hope, forgiveness, GRACE! Tonight is Maundy Thursday, the day of the last supper and the betrayal that led to the cross. Tonight the feet were washed, the bread and wine were passed, the tears in the garden. His pleas for them to watch with Him, and the wine-heavy sleepy disciples who couldn't. There was grace for them as well. Grace everywhere, He gives it so lavishly!

Tonight as the kids are in bed on the way to blissful sleep, as my husband is away at the service that keeps him late on Thursdays, I contemplate Maundy Thursday. I think about that cup that Jesus asks the Father to take from him, I think of what's inside. I know that in that cup is my sin, my depression, my selfish nature, my hurtful words, my secret sins. The ugliness that I hide from everyone, the things no one knows - they are there swirling around like bitter nasty herbs.

And my Lord drank it. He drank it.




I contemplate "love so amazing, so divine. Demands my life, my soul, my all."

Thoughts Swirling

I'm sitting in the little nook in the kitchen, the desk I sit at to pay bills, send
emails, stare out the window. I'm staring at the tree I always stare at, the oak that is slowly dying, the one that caused so many hours of manual labor this spring because it dumped all it's leaves in my yard. I watch for the family of squirrels that lives in it, the ones that every now and then actually come sit on my nook window sill. They make me laugh, the chasing round and round the tree.

But today I look past the tree at the abandoned house next door. (shown in the first picture of our house) It's such an eyesore that I try very hard to forget it's there. It's literally about 10 feet behind the tree that I watch, but I never look at it. Funny how you can train yourself to forget something is right in front of you. Anyhow, today I look at the house. That house was probably amazing in it's day. It's a big old two story colonial with a huge porch that our new friends Eric and Marion are fixing up to live in with their little daughter, Valerie. It's taking them a very long time to do, it just needs SO much work.

But today I wonder what happened in that house. What lives were led there? Someone loved in that house, someone cried there. There must have been meals cooked, and company over, and babies born and deaths experienced. A house tells a story and I wonder what story that house would tell? How does a house go from being something that someone lovingly built and cherished to so dilapidated that it takes months just to make livable?

The house we live in was once like that one, I've been told. Mr. Ronnie, the neighbor down the street who has lived here 15 years and I know has spent almost 99% of that sitting outside on the corner, told me that an old couple lived here for a long time. He said they had lived here forever together and one day the woman died and then a few months later the man died. The story goes that the kids didn't care for the house or really the stuff in it, so one day someone hauled all the stuff out to the corner and then they sold it to a rental agency. How sad is that?

I like to imagine this sweet old couple living in this old colonial. I like to imagine them sitting in their old recliners holding hands and watching the evening news. I imagine her doing the dishes in my sink and him sitting reading a book in my dining room. I imagine that once years ago there was the sound of other children running through this house. Maybe even grandchildren.

I feel the same about the intricately stitched "Amazing Grace" hymn cross stitch sampler that hangs on the wall in my bedroom. My mother-in-law found it at a garage sale. It took someone hours upon hours to put this hymn into stitch, and then it ended up for a dollar in a garage sale. Why do we not value things anymore?

Everything seems so disposable now. Starter homes, starter marriages, electronics that are outdated almost immediately, it just seems like no one is satisfied anymore with what they have. No one cultivates, waits, lovingly tends to.

The older I get the more I am drawn to words like "simplify". With culture surging ahead at break-neck speed I slow down and want to read a book with some coffee and forget television exists. I want to take all electronics away from my children and remind them to play in the dirt and read good books. I fear sometimes for the depth of my children's future relationship with the Lord if they never learn to wait patiently for things, that everything doesn't come in an instant like on the ipad. That sometimes the best things in life come slowly, over an entire lifetime.

Just some thoughts swirling in my head. I wonder if she ever sat at this nook and pondered the house next door. I'm sure it wasn't with laptop in hand, but maybe a pen and paper as she wrote a friend a letter. I imagine flowered paper and a cup of coffee as she waved at the lady making supper next door. Because neighbors used to wave at each other.

A Lesson Learned by Fire

Last night was a bit dramatic in the Schaffner house. After an extremely long day (and weekend, really) the kids were tucked snuggly in their beds and John and I had just laid down. With one of those "I have been waiting ALL DAY for this moment" sighs, I was drifting into lala land when there was a sudden POP and the hallway between our bedroom and the kids was lit up like a fireworks display. John and I had only jumped out of bed and started running when Sadie screamed "My lamp is on fire!". We got to her room just in time to grab the lamp and rush to the bathtub before it lit the wall. Here was the aftermath.



Now, last week when Gramma and Grampy were here taking care of the kiddos Gramma got shocked by this lamp. Apparently it was bad enough to have been funny (according to the kids). And Dad spoke very plainly to me when he said "You need to get rid of that lamp." But, here's the thing - It looked fine to me. It worked fine to me. And, to top it all off, even though it had shocked my Mom THEY had left it plugged in and continued to use it, so obviously THEY also thought it was okay.

And there was the issue of every single time I set my eyes on this lamp in the last week I've had the "I wonder if I should get rid of that lamp..."thought going through my mind. Quickly dismissed, obviously. That *check* in my spirit that I ignored....

And then last night it exploded. Literally.

As I laid in bed (now with two scared kids in bed between us) I mentally slapped myself over and over again for not getting rid of the stupid thing. I was thanking God like never before because it had been on all day and we had JUST gotten home from a walk to the Mexican ice cream store when we fell into bed. Twenty minutes before we would have not been home, twenty minutes later we would have been asleep enough to maybe not have caught it before it lit the wall it was leaning against. The timing was definately God's hand and I THANK HIM!

But then my mind started contemplating something else as I drifted off to sleep. And as I woke up this morning it was still there. The back-of-your-mind just-can't-get-rid-of-it thought of "what else in life do we do this exact same thing with?" The little things in life (most of the time sins....) that we think "well, it doesn't look that bad. Maybe it shocked me a little once, but that was just ONCE, and by the way - THEY seem to think this isn't that big of a deal....." I see this every day in ministry, in family, in neighbors, in MY OWN LIFE.

*one more look at these sketchy pictures on the internet won't hurt. it's not THAT bad...

*I only need this pill for my back pain. Of course there is the added benefit that they make me feel better. I can stop anytime I want, it's not that bad.....

*this tv show is so interesting. I mean, it might be something I shouldn't be watching, but everyone else I know LOVES it and if they all like it then it can't be that bad....to fill my mind with this junk.....that doesn't glorify God in the least....

*(the kicker for me) I know both of my parents are diabetic, but I have plenty of time to stop eating this stuff that doesn't edify me in ANY way. One more cookie can't hurt anything, I'll start over tomorrow. That *check* in my spirit that I ignored.....

And the list goes on.

And then your life blows up.

Addiction, pornography, thought patterns that should never have been there but you FED them to YOURSELF, disease that you could have prevented, oh the endless possibilities.

"When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers. " James 1:13-16

Meaningless, Meaningless.

I like to read other people's blogs. I find it interesting to see what other people are thinking or dealing with day to day. You can read about monumental life changes or day to day humdrum things. It's people-watching (read: stalking....) with no one looking at you like a creep.

There are blog posts I tend to skip: anything political, anyone who hasn't blogged in the last three months, daily musings about kids if I don't know the parents, recipes (unless they are cheap and easy) and the list goes on.

I like to blog, but here's my problem: I only blog when I feel I have something to say. That doesn't seem to be the norm for the blogging world. Should I blog every day whether I have something to say or not? I don't want to waste your time or mine. Well, most of the time. Except today.

Today is my first humdrum post. Today I'm just talking. Just saying whatever comes into my head. Here are a few things going on in Amy's brain that you wouldn't know if you didn't read my blog.....

1. What I'm reading right now: R.C. Sproul, Jr.'s book "When You Rise Up". Amazing book on the "why" of homeschooling. Loving it!
2. What I'm cooking for supper tonight: Pancakes. Daddy's not home for supper tonight so we default to breakfast. It's my favorite anyway.
3. What I'm doing right now: well, blogging of course. But I'm blogging on my back porch in my big blue chair watching six children jump on a trampoline and fight with each other because there are six children and only four balls.
4. What was my favorite thing today: picnicking with my kids on a blanket in the backyard under the pink dogwood tree.
5. My evening plans: sitting in the big brown chair with my heating pad, a book and a cup of tea. Will it happen? who knows....
6. How many loads of laundry I did today: 5.
7. How many times have I thrown this stinkin ball for the dog: 72. wait....73.
8. The last time I cried: last night when I had a "what's wrong with me" moment in contemplating my need to be alone.
9. My favorite current song: What Do I Know of Holy - Addison Road. The line "but then I caught a glimpse of who You might be" makes me choke up.

wait....74.

10. My number one pet peeve today: kids who haven't napped and are EXTREMELY WHINY!

So, there you have it. The top 10 humdrum happenings of Amy's brain. I hope you enjoyed. And to add to the meaninglessness of this post I will leave you with a picture of a dog.

Not mine.

Just a dog.


In case you didn't like this post, the title DID warn you.