Step up to the soapbox

*the crowd is milling around - chatting, laughing, texting and talking. Unaware of what is to come..... as Amy steps up on the stage, soapbox in hand, and tap tap taps the microphone....*

Excuse me, people. I need to get something off my chest. It just needs to be said. I may not sleep tonight unless I get my feelings on this subject out of my head and into YOURS.

What is this OBSESSION with our telephones?

Can we REALLY not go a day, an hour, 15 minutes without being "connected" to the outside world? When was the last time that you got a text that would have ended the world if you had waited just 15 minutes until you stopped the car? And ministers in particular - when was the last time that one of those many "important" messages was actually important?

My main annoyance with this used to be when people would bring their phones into church and forget to turn off the ringer. But now, ohhhhh now. It's a WHOLE new level. Now we bring our phones in to church on purpose. We use our little smartphone apps instead of the our actual Bibles and in the process we can check our email and facebook messages when they pop up. You know, just in case someone has an emergency facebook message to send me while I'm in church. It could happen.

Can we really focus on the Word on our phones when, while we are reading the Sunday passage, facebook pops up that someone "likes" the picture you posted yesterday?

This morning our worship leader, in the middle of praying (okay, go ahead and judge me for having my eyes open......) pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts pressing buttons. It was so ridiculous looking to me that I almost laughed out loud. Then after he prayed I realized what he was doing, he used a scripture to lead into his next song, a scripture verse on his iphone. I do not fault this particular person (I genuinely like our worship leader), I fault the system that has set up the precedent that this is okay. I'm sorry, but I like to see the ACTUAL Word in someones hand. Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

When people use their iphone to take notes in church I hate it. If I were the person on the stage preaching it would look to me like someone was goofing off texting and not listening. Just saying.

I looked around in Sunday School this morning, and of the 20 or so in the room more than half had their phones on the table right in front of them. You know, just in case.

Ten years ago we were not constantly connected. We still lived, we still ministered when people were hurting, we still kept up with our friends and family, LIFE WENT ON. But now?

But it's not just in church. Smart phones have invaded every area of our lives. Electronics have taken over our worlds. The sacred places that should be held in high regard - church, quiet times, the marriage bed (as the last thing that is done for the night before going to sleep is checking our phones....) are now open for the world. Hey, I may be spending time with the Lord, but if you need me I'm just one *ding* away. I may not answer right away, because I'm having my quiet time, but I will check your message and disrupt myself out of sheer COMPULSION.

I have no answers for this. I'm sure it will only get worse. I just needed you all to hear me. I needed my opinion to be out there. On the web. Where I'm connected. Oops.

After the Mental Breakdown...

Just thought I would let everyone know that I have NOT locked myself in a closet to suck my thumb for the rest of my life. I am back to, um, well "normal" may not be the right word....

There are things that hang on for a while. I don't know if other people who have panic disorder deal with this, but the fuzzy eyes and inability to focus properly seem to hang on forever. I have decided not to drive myself for a while (if i can help it) because I will seem to forget I'm driving. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. The first day I felt better I decided to take the kids to the library and almost got in a wreck because I kept reading everything on the road. Billboards, names of stores, license plates (yep, I'm insane), and I almost got my family in a wreck. I had to turn onto back streets and use every bit of focus I had to get home. Ugh.

And then there was the next day when I stood in front of the dryer, angry that the machine would not cooperate with me, angry that it was laughing in my face and not starting no matter how many times I pressed the dang button. Until I realized that I was standing in front of the open door.

Yeah, there are things that hang on.

Or maybe I'm really just crazy.

Sometimes it helps to know there are other crazy people. Like whoever wrote this sign for our local Panera Bread.

I think I stared at this for a full minute.

But today is Tuesday. A full week since my last panic attack, and I am feeling good. Good enough to finally unpack some boxes! To hang pictures on the wall! To laugh at my husband who is sitting here watching Rachael Ray.

Last night it threatened to blacken me again. The tornado in Joplin disturbed me more than normal (it's not too far from here) and when the weather suddenly went insane last night and trapped me away from my children (at Treva's, where under normal circumstances I would LOVE to be trapped) I freaked out a little. In front of several other ladies trapped away from their children who seemed extremely calm (thank you for being calm!), which made me feel even crazier. But here's the thing about panic, when you know WHY it's happening it's SO much easier to control. It's when you have no idea "why" that you think you are surely dying.

So, I'll stop rambling in this post all about me, again. (I must find another subject) I just wanted everyone to know that I'm good. Thank you to everyone who has gotten in touch with me to either pray or let me know you are praying or just let me know I'm not alone in this. It means SO much when people encourage. Comments are wonderful for so many reasons, but one is just so that you know someone is listening and cares (shameless *hint, hint*).

I'm off to more insanity.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.....

I am amazed. Truly amazed by the power of the brain.

Since April 23rd this is what has been happening in my life, just 3 1/2 short weeks ago:
- we hosted a neighborhood Easter Egg hunt that brought 80 people and MUCH worry from me. I felt totally unprepared so there were several sleepless nights.
- two days later we had a family birthday party for Sadie that culminated in lightning striking our house and fire trucks coming and firemen taking over our house.
- the day after that was Sadie's much anticipated 6th birthday party. Because of the Easter Egg hunt I felt even MORE unprepared for her birthday party than usual. This party resulted in 16 people in our creepy basement singing "Happy Birthday" while hiding from a tornado.
- day after the party electricians come to check out the damage from the lightning strike and find extremely dangerous wiring. We have to move, and quickly.
- this brings on an entire week of trolling Craigslist and rental agencies for possible places to move. Visiting several houses for rent that were AWFUL and worrying that I was going to have to leave my beautiful colonial for shag carpeting and brown paneling. (don't judge me, some people love these things, I just don't...)
- lots of prayers telling God, yes I will live wherever you want me to, I will submit. Just please no brown paneling....... (*honesty here*)
- God TOTALLY shows up with a rental that is straight from HIM. Perfect for our family.
- packing boxes.
- moving boxes.
- unpacking boxes.

All in 3 weeks.

Here's where the amazing part comes in for me - the "Big Ugly" waited until Friday. Huh. I could get through all that with no problem. That's right, I am super-woman. You have issues, bring them on! I can handle anything!

Right.

Friday, it's all over with and I am casually putting clothes away in my new closet when the entire world tilted to the right. Thus commenced my first panic attack in a year. Tilting world led to rapid heart beat which led to sweating which led to not being able to see properly or breathe properly. This passed quickly and I was thankful. Until Saturday morning when it happened again. And then Sunday morning when it hit so bad I had to lay in bed all day long.

And here is where I am amazed. It's like your brain knows that you are under that much stress but knows you can't "let down" now. You have to deal with what is in front of you, so your brain just stores it until it knows you are safe to freak out. And freak out I did. Full on worrying that I am dying, that I must be diabetic and must be about to go into insulin shock, or I must have some horrible cancer that they haven't found yet and have I spent enough time with my kids these last few weeks since these are the last memories they will have of me and on and on......you can see where my mind makes it SO much worse than it already is.

How do you know it's in your brain? When you are worried your blood sugar is so low that you are near death and then your mom shows up, takes your blood sugar, it's totally normal and suddenly you can breathe again.

And also because you go to the doctor and she can't find any reason why your ear hurts so bad or why you can't see straight.

See, I'm crazy. But in this craziness I have been in awe of the brain that God created. It absolutely amazes me that your thoughts can cause physical symptoms. Not made up physical symptoms, actual ones. My blood pressure DOES drop (one time to 80/50) I still can't see straight three days after the last issue, my heart rate speeds up to an alarming rate that makes me not be able to breathe - actual physical symptoms caused by nothing more than my brain. What a powerful organ.

If I could just change this organ to use it's power for good instead of evil.....ha.

It drives me to the source of everything. It drives me to desperate prayer. It brings more grace into my life, and more awareness that I NEED HIM in every way.

And it gave me a good excuse to catch up on my sleep.

We're In!

*As I sit in my bed exhausted from the craziness.........*
We're in, people! No more sleepless "I wonder if tonight is the night I wake up with my pants on fire....." nights! I have slept through the night three nights in a row now, the first in several weeks. Even the kids have been sleeping through the night in their own beds ALL NIGHT LONG! Whew.

We are still not out of our last lease....long story....but let's just say that no one seems to know where the owner of our house is. Like, really. He's missing. I feel extremely bad for being so mad at him for so long when something is obviously wrong.

A few stories of randomness from the new abode:

We met our first new neighbor, Jerry. He's an amiable fellow, has a beautiful black and white cocker spaniel named "Champ" and he lovingly told me the entire story of where Champ came from and how he saved him from sure death at a rescue center....a dog person, we should get along famously. Jerry and Champ are on our right side - on our left side is a fellow I have yet to meet, but I have met his dogs....or should I say horses. His fence connects ours and is a privacy fence, but at the back corner there is about a foot of space where it's just hurricane fencing and his two Bull Mastiffs have been watching us play in our backyard. It's a good thing I am a dog person or my children would be permanently banned from the back yard.

Jerry filled us in a little on the new hood. He pointed out a few people's houses and told us who lives where and what they did. He did warn us of one drawback to our new street, apparently there is a very crotchety old lawyer who lives across the street who refuses to wave at people when he's walking his dog. This was told to us in all seriousness in hopes our feelings would not get hurt...

...flashback to a few days ago in the old house.....
Sitting in my Big Brown Chair at 6:30 in the morning trying to have my time with the Lord while hearing music so loud it sounds as if it's coming out of my stereo playing "In the ghetto....the funky funky ghetto". This goes on for about 20 minutes. At 6:30 AM. No lie.

....flash forward to Jerry.......
I am doing everything I can to NOT laugh out load in Jerry's face. Who knew it was a COMPLETELY different world five miles from our former abode.

Here is our new home sweet home.

Quite different than the old colonial, but it is already feeling like home.

Another humorous story from La Vida Loca. Today John left for work and then called me an hour or so later and said "look outside". This is what I saw.


Our trampoline arrived. Sideways, on the back of a trailer, tied down with a garden hose, with four college students standing in the back holding it so it didn't blow away. On the highway. Can we say "life threatening"? Or even "illegal"? This SO freaked me out. I'm so glad no one told me they were trying this until it was over, my panic-attack- prone-self could never have handled it.

And another....
Later in the afternoon I ran out to get something out of our Explorer. When I opened the back door I heard a click and it started rolling. I should explain that we now live on a steep incline and it was facing the street headed straight for someone Else's house. I have never climbed so fast in my life. Foot on the brake, honking the horn for SOMEONE to hear me in the house and come to my rescue....five minutes later Sadie hears me. She doesn't know where the keys are and Daddy is in the shower......leg shaking and getting weak.......she finally finds the keys and I get the dumb vehicle on the flat. 8 minutes of holding that stupid brake. Needless to say, a mechanic will soon be fixing our e-brake.

Thanks to everyone for praying us through this mess. We have only been here for three days, but already I am loving it - truly. I know that God and only God put us here, from start to finish it was only HIM - so I know there is a purpose.

I'll leave you with a super-cute picture of Jack on the tire swing in the back yard.

Cinco De Mayo, pumpkins and other randomness.

Yesterday I ate burritos for breakfast from a taco stand where they mistook my husband for someone who would understand Spanish. We listened to "The Gypsy Kings" all afternoon while packing. We spoke in Spanish as much as possible. I was sad that I had already packed up the kids books, because my favorite way to pretend to be Hispanic is by reading Skippy John Jones with my best Mexican accent. I sang my children to sleep at bedtime with a slow and sleepy version of "La Bamba". I know all the words. In Spanish. Not English. Sadie asked me when I was done if I could sing it again in English.

Um, no.

I also dressed as a pumpkin. My friend's four kids have the flu and in trying to think of a way to help her I made a joke about dressing in the pumpkin outfits I found while packing yesterday and going to their house to make the kids laugh. I came up with a scheme and then laughed it off. My husband looked at me and said "If you were a good friend you would do that."

Challenge accepted.

Another friend and I went to Walmart, bought goodies, slipped on our outfits and rang their doorbell. One child ran, two children stared, the smallest cried. And I don't think her husband is going to let her be my friend anymore.

Here is the photo to prove I have lost my mind.



Today I sign a lease for a house that came straight from God, even though we are still in the lease for the fire-trap I am sitting in while typing. I've decided that it's all just part of Livin' La Vida Loca. This is move number 13 in 12 years of marriage. I'm not complaining though, I feel extremely thankful that we are about to move. I just have this feeling we are going to pass by here one day soon and this house is going to be burned down.

Now, off to clean the kitchen, pack dishes and clean out a fridge. I hope you still want to read my wandering thoughts after you see the pumpkin picture. It was a momentary lapse in good judgement, I promise.

Where did my followers go????

Hey guys, I'm not sure what happened but there was a technical glitch in my blog and I lost the "followers". I'm not sure if that means that those who were signed up to follow are no longer getting alerts, but either way please go "follow" me again!

It's always encouraging to know someone out there is reading the randomness that comes from my head.

Faithfulness

Why do I worry? Why do I spend sleepless nights aimlessly trying to answer questions that are humanly unanswerable? I make up scenarios in my head sometimes and then make myself sick thinking "What if?". My head hurts today, I must have cancer. Sadie is coughing, she must have a lung condition caused by medications I took while pregnant with her. WHY do we do this to ourselves?

I think it must be some sort of psychosis.

I'm pondering this because God has AGAIN provided for our needs in a way only HE can. This has happened repeatedly in our life to the point where I slap myself for NOT just knowing it will happen. I am the Israelites, whining and crying and asking when I should just SHUT UP and look at the cloud and the fire and KNOW.

A man who owns alot of property in Fort Smith called yesterday morning to tell us he had two properties open and we could pick from either. We are going to be renting for the same amount we rent here ($175.00 less than he usually rents these homes!) and no deposits. Not only did God provide, but he gave us a choice! How strange it was to go from having no idea where we were going, to driving around to pick from two beautiful homes that would be perfect for our family! God provides. He does.

We needed a car once when we were in Calgary. Didn't know what we were going to do. Had shared it with NO ONE. Then we got a call from a friend "hey, do you need a car? My husband got a promotion with a company car and we have an extra and thought of you". He provides.

When we were in seminary and had raised funds to live and attend school our biggest supporter who gave more than HALF our income backed out six months in. Out of the blue a good friends parents came into money from a relative and offered to pay for our entire seminary education. HE provides.

When we had to make a DRASTIC move without a job in sight we went two whole months without getting behind on any bills, missing any payments and had a house to live in and food to eat. The money came from the most random and unlikely places. He provides.

When the doctors said "You will never have children". When there were no options. When we found out we couldn't even try in-vitro, I got pregnant. The fertility specialist didn't know what to do with me, he had never seen this before. Not only did I have beautiful Sadie, but soon after became pregnant with Jack. He provides.

And I could seriously go on. The countless times when we were on the mission field walking to check our mail PRAYING that there would be money in that box and there ALWAYS was. The near misses with accidents with the kids or ourselves, the strangers who have helped us for no reason, and on and on and on.

Why do I worry?

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. 'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope in Him.'" Lamentations 3:22-24