Questioning....

Why?

Why do I love to do laundry, but HATE to put it away?

Why do I beat myself up over my baby weight (um...he's four now, maybe I should start just calling it "weight"....) and yet feel totally fine with one more spoonful of peanut butter and choose napping over "the machine"?

Why do I flinch every time I hear a plane flying low, as if something is imminent? (yes, I do that.)

Why is it amusing to me to search "words" on pinterest and sit forever laughing at other people's stuff? like this...

and this...



Why do I think my kids should like math, even though I hate it?

Why can I sit and watch two hour movies, or read a novel for hours on end, but when I start to pray my mind wanders....."Dear God, thank you for waking me up today, thank you for .... look at that squirrel"

Why do I have great friends who I never call or contact? Why?

Why, even though I'm feeling shaky and jittery, do I think I can have just one more cup of coffee?

Why, even though I've had every medical test in the world and know there is nothing wrong with me, do I still think I may have a heart problem every time I have a panic attack?

Why do I worry? About anything. What's the point?

Why do I own so many books that I've never read?

I think I'm a confusing person. But, according to pinterest....

Disappearing Act

So, I disappeared.

I have a tendency to do that when I feel like I have nothing to say. My thoughts, for a while, were not ones that I wanted to share. Battling this thing called "panic disorder" is all-consuming sometimes. Feeling like you can't teach your children because you can't focus your eyes, having difficulty doing anything because it feels like you can't breathe, not knowing if the dizziness caused the stomach ache or if the stomach ache caused the dizziness, but in either case it leading to not being able to breathe....

But God is So faithful. He sent me a Godly doctor who looked me in the face and said the words I needed to hear "it's time to try medication". A few months later, and here I am feeling "normal" (whatever that is....). It took a while. Anyone who has ever tried these medications knows that it takes weeks to help, and in those weeks it makes you worse (atleast, it did me). So, blogging wasn't on my agenda for a while. I'm not sure why, usually it helps me to get out here and say "Look at me! I'm screwed up!", but not this time.

A sweet friend gave me "Streams in the Desert" for my birthday and I have been LIVING in it. I have been soaking up every word from every writer, knowing that God is speaking to me through those pages. God has been teaching me to stop screaming at Him, stop weeping at Him and asking WHY over and over and just rest in Him. Rest in the fact that He really does have it all under control, He knows what He is doing, even if I don't. There is no prayer like the kind of prayer you pray when you are lying in bed struggling to breathe and get your heart rate under control. God has been using this to teach me to pray. To teach me to trust. To teach me to wait.

So, this is my thorn. Atleast, it's my thorn for now, I'm sure there will be more as life goes on. The meds make the thorn quite a bit less painful, but not gone completely - and I'm learning to be thankful for that.

The medication issue coupled with the beginning of our homeschool year and my unexpected addiction to pinterest have kept me from my beloved blog. Hopefully no more! I love this outlet! I love sharing with you guys my crazy life, my hopes and dreams, my prayers, my strange affection for homemaking.

I'm back, blogging world, medicated and unstoppable.