Recalculating....

I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, Bible open, coffee close by and thinking, thinking, thinking. Three sick ones in the house today, kids and husband all runny noses, coughing and headachy. No church today, just quiet sick days to ponder. And I AM pondering.

This weekend I attended a retreat for homeschooling Mom's with our homeschool group. It was a last minute decision for me, but it was so obviously from the Lord. It was led by Beverly Bradley who runs Family Ministries with her husband, Reb. She has homeschooled for 25 years (I think) and had so much wisdom to share. I went thinking I was going to come away with renewed energy to homeschool and some good practical things to work on. A "to do" list to work hard on and make my day-to-day run smoothly. I like "to do" lists, it gives me something concrete to work on.

But I walked away with abstract, not concrete.

I walked away wondering how to tear down this system I have set up for myself, how to start over from the ground up. Knowing that some of the changes swirling in me will feel like ripping off my own arm, but knowing that arm is diseased and needs to go.

Her main point the whole weekend was that our number one goal is knowing Christ. Not being a good wife, a good mom, a good teacher, but KNOWING HIM. How can we know if we are distracted from the goal if we don't even know the goal? Now, of course I KNEW THAT. Of course I would have told YOU that. But has that been my life?....... honestly no.

Oh, I am a good Christian. I do my quiet time in the mornings and teach the Bible to my kiddos, go to church (most of the time, obviously not today...), do all the "things" I am supposed to do and avoid the things I'm not. If you had asked me if my number one goal in life was to KNOW HIM, I would have said "Yes! Of course!" with a pasted on smile that meant nothing. But does my life reflect that? My every day, day-to-day existence? Nope. If you followed me you would say my number one goal was a clean house, a homeschool to-do list checked off, some quiet time to myself in the afternoons, and a myriad of other things that should be secondary. Good things, but not the BEST thing.

So, this morning, in the quiet house with sleeping family, I sat in my big brown chair - Bible open with a BLANK mind. What do I do, Lord? How do I change this rut? How do I stop quenching the Holy Spirit inside me when it has become an ingrained habit like breathing? How do I go from making sure that Sadie has all her spelling done, to making sure to remember Sadie is a SOUL who you LOVE and are working in and I need to remember to ASK YOU how you are working in her and how can I, as her mom, encourage that? Sounds so common sense, but I forget to do it.

I sit here, Bible open, coffee nearby, with an empty cup. Not a cup full of things to do today, asking YOU to bless my full cup - but an empty cup asking YOU to fill it. What do YOU want my cup to look like today? How do I KNOW YOU in the laundry? How do I KNOW YOU in the runny noses and too much TV?

Makes me think of the Addison Road song I've posted before,

Change in the Making
There’s a better version of me
That I can’t quite see
But things are gonna change
Right now I’m a total mess and
Right now I’m completely incomplete
But things are gonna change
Cause you’re not through with me yet

This is redemption’s story
With every step that I'm taking
Every day, you’re chipping away
What I don’t need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I’m closer to who I’m meant to be
I'm a change in the making

Hopefully soon it will be "recalculating.....updated!"

Ideas Swirling

I have two book ideas swirling in my head. I ponder writing books all the time. I have ample time to do this (my kids go to bed at 8:30), the problem is that there have been no ideas so inspirational that would keep me up doing anything other than laundry, reading someone else's inspiration, or sleeping. But these two annoy me enough to just MAYBE make me do it. One day. Semi-soon.

Inspiration number one: a book about anxiety from a Christian perspective that does not make a person with this issue feel like a loser. All Christian books (and I say "all" loosely...I have not found many) I have perused on this subject make me feel like I am the WORST Christian in the entire universe. I would like to write a REAL book about REAL Christians who deal with anxiety/panic. People who might even be *gasp* medicated. People who have prayed, have sought the Lord, have tried deep breathing, and then sometimes popped some Ativan.

I'm considering mingling this idea with a ministry perspective book. The push to be "doing" all the time rather than "being" in ministry. I think ministry in this "doing" world leads us to anxiety, so it's possible it will mingle the two ideas together. Who knows. If I write it. When I write it. Soonish.

Inspiration number two: Homeschooling for REAL people. Books, blogs, magazines, Homeschooling networks.....all add up to make you think if you home school you should have it all together. Case in point: today was our Co-op meeting where the Home school network we're part of all get together and offer classes for the kids to take once a week. My two dear friends and I are part of the group, but don't feel "part" of the group most of the time. Why? It seems like they all have perfect lives.

We console ourselves thinking surely they go home and sit in their closets sucking their thumbs and crying.... I digress.

Anyway, as I was leaving today I looked up to see a van load of a family (that I did not know) leaving the parking lot. The Mom was looking in the rear view mirror speaking very harshly to her kids with a look on her face that was TOTAL exasperation, then she looked over - saw me - and flashed a beautiful peaceful smile. I laughed out loud. I think I would have felt better if she had looked over at me and gave me the finger.

It's so easy to make it LOOK like everything is perfect. We only share the good stories, we only share the exciting pictures, we show no fear or weakness. If we show fear or weakness the other mothers might KNOW. They might KNOW that we aren't sure we know what we're doing. KNOW that sometimes we don't like our children all that much..... if you show fear or weakness you get eaten by the herd.

Case in point. Here are some wonderful pictures of a project we did this week.





Now, if all I did was post these pictures, what would you think we were doing this day in our home school? I'm sure you would conjure up ideas of unit studies on castles and knights and damsels in distress. Geography studies of Europe and the feudal system....great ideas.

Here's what really happened. An hour AFTER we were supposed to start school I was shoving a Bible study down their throats while Sadie was whining she wanted to do something FUN and Jack was stacking crayons and refusing to answer Bible questions. I said THE HECK WITH THIS and we decided to destroy the kitchen in search of supplies to build a castle. I took almost complete control of the project, turned down most of their ideas, wouldn't let Sadie paint designs anywhere except on the back of the castle, and then for good measure when it was done I said "Do you know where most castles are in the world, kids? Europe". It took us three hours. Then we watched cartoons. The end.

So, where are the books for people like me?

Maybe there are no people like me. I refuse to believe that. I reject that reality.

So, coming soon to a clearance rack at a Lifeway near you..........

Confession

Today I lied to my children. It happened before I even could think through what I was doing.

I told them foxes don't have any feeling in their tails. Why, you ask?

Because Samson tied 300 foxes together and set their tails on fire. And once again I was slapped in the face with a question that I have been dealing with for months...how do you teach the old testament to kids without COMPLETELY FREAKING THEM OUT!!?!?!?!?!?

We start our homeschooling day with a Bible story from "Bible Stories to Read" from Rod and Staff Publishers. I love Rod and Staff, they tell it like it is. But sometimes.....well, it's freaking out my children. Every morning starting your day with a Bible story sounds great right? Some recent examples....

...The beautiful story of Abraham and Sarah being blessed in their old age with Issac....the next day God is telling Abraham to take him on a mountain and KILL him......Why did God do that, Mommy?......Well, to be sure Abraham trusted Him(um...yeah....).........

Joseph's brothers didn't like him, so they all decided to KILL him.... threw him in a deep hole and sat down to eat lunch (which Jack noticed and thought was weird)...then sold him instead....

then several days later was JOB, oh my WORD how do you teach Job to children where they will understand? God trying to prove to satan how faithful Job is by KILLING his whole family and striking him with disease......yikes.

THe sweet story of Baby Moses in a basket. Why was he in a basket? Because the Pharaoh was KILLING all the baby boys.

Pharaoh let the people go, they are in the wilderness, Moses up on a mountain getting the 10 commandments and the people make a golden calf to worship. God KILLED them all. The lesson here kids is that if you are disobedient God will kill you.....

The people are sick of the Manna, the whine and complain, God sends snakes to bite them. They DIE. The lesson here kids is don't whine or complain or GOd will kill you....

Achan disobeyed GOd and took what he wanted from Jericho, Achan and his whole family were stoned. "What does stoned mean, mommy?".....

And then today, the poor foxes.

(a coloring page comes with each story....today we were supposed to color the foxes dying. Sadie refused to color it.)

(Oh, and just for fun, here's the coloring page for Job. Notice the sores on his head....)

Now, of couse I'm being a little sarcastic here (a little). I, as a grown-up follower of Christ, who understands that we now have full revelation through the entire Bible, understand why we need to fear the Lord. Of course He is to be feared. But how do you teach the Fear of the Lord to a 6 and 4 year old without them.....fearing Him?

A Friday Manifesto

Manifesto:
— n , pl -tos , -toes
a public declaration of intent, policy, aims, etc, as issued by a political party, government, or cranky woman on medication.

Today I will drink coffee. Real coffee. Now that I can again, it seems like a super power.

Today I will find a way to remind my children that it's fun to make someone else happy. We will make someone happy today, dang it.

Today I will clean my house, all of it. In two hours or less. yep.

Today I will bathe the stinky dog so that he can become part of the family again.

Today we will spend more time outside than inside (so I better get on that house cleaning thing).

Today I will begin to bake my husband's birthday cake, so that tomorrow I am not spending the entire day on a cake that takes entirely too long to make.

Today I will be fun. I'm not sure how, but it will happen. I am a fun girl. FUN GIRL!

Today I will get on "the machine", I will LOVE it, I will RULE it. And then I will shower.

Today I will teach my children, even though we aren't supposed to do school on Fridays. Thankfully they forget it's Friday unless I tell them.

Today will be a good day. A day to remember! A day that the kids go to bed at night saying "wow, Mom, you are so awesome. I'm so glad I get to have you as a Mommy".

And then I will be exhausted and fall into bed.

The End.

Get me off this thing.

It's a roller coaster.

I used to love roller coasters, back when my body was young and my back was young and my stomach could take things like that....

now I Dramamine up just for a car ride.

A beautiful friend and I were talking the other day about how anxiety simplifies life. Instead of having grand ambitions to be "out there" or "changing the world", now we just want to be good at being a wife and mother. You know, what we're supposed to be doing. We just want to be able to get through our days feeling "normal" enough to be a good mother, good wife, good teacher and go to bed knowing we accomplished what God had for us that day.

I think this is one of the small gifts of these mental issues....

Focus.

The problem is making sure your focus does NOT center on yourself (which is incredibly easy with these issues), but that your focus centers on Christ and the fact that HE is in control and has a reason for this thorn in my flesh. I'm looking for the gifts. I have to look for the gifts to survive this thing.

Good day.
My heartbeat feels normal!
Got all of school done.
Laundry Done, house clean.
I can do this again!
What's that icky feeling?
Oh shoot, my eyes are fuzzy.
Dinner? I can barely stand straight.
Where's my Ativan?

And thus is the up and down. Most days lately are up (thank you Jesus! and zoloft...), but every now and then I wake up like today. Sitting at the table teaching spelling with shaky hands, willing myself to get through it without medication so I won't drag the rest of the day. Praying for God to take it away so I can teach my children!

I don't want this blog to turn into a spill session every day about anxiety and panic disorder, but it makes me feel so much better to write about this. I wonder why that is?

Maybe it's because I'm hoping for a peace in this that will allow me to raise my hands and scream "woohoo!"

Maybe it's because I'm hoping there are friends out there who are waving their arms frantically at the roller coaster Carney saying "hey, she's freaking out! stop the coaster!"

And I know there are, so thank you.