I am not a thinker.
There is rarely a time where I'm just sitting around pondering something, or even have lots of thoughts just floating through my brain. I am a doer. When I do the dishes, I just DO the dishes - I don't pray or think or dream. When I go for a walk, I don't spend sweet time with the Lord praying and thinking through problems and issues, I'm thinking "Oh, look at that tree. Oh a squirrel..." It took me a long time to realize that there wasn't something wrong with me, that it was okay to be this way. It's just the way I'm made.
So, when I have days that I feel like I'm "too much in my own head" I start to get a little concerned. Obviously this is not ME, this is the Lord trying to work through something in me. It completely depends on my mood and what day it is whether I'll react with an "okay, let's do this thing", or a "time to get under the covers and hide from the world".
Today has been one of those days. Today has been a hiding day, without the actual benefit of being able to hide. Thoughts are swirling, my brain is hurting. The Lord is speaking and I feel like I'm straining and - just. can't. figure. it. out. You know what I mean? Ever been there? That nebulous feeling of knowing something needs to change, that something is diseased and needs to be cut out - but unsure if it's the appendix or the big toe?
I'm there. REALLY there.
I know at least part of the issue is a nagging feeling lately that I am missing something in the raising of my children. Not a "guilty Mom always feels like she's not doing enough" sort of thing, a genuine knowing that something is missing. Sunday school and worship today was geared toward encouraging us to step out and give of ourselves, to look outside our little worlds and see how we can minister in the world around us. This has been one of my major thoughts lately - that for the last year of my life I've been coasting in this area and am raising my children to be selfish people.
Our last year has been about survival - and when you're in survival mode it's very easy to forget that there is need outside your own little head. I don't want to be there anymore. I don't want to teach my children to be there either.
I like lists. I wish Jesus would magically give me a list of things He wants me to change/do to check off. Again, I am leaning toward legalism and missing the beauty of the grace-process. Maybe while I'm sleeping tonight I could see a glowing to-do list being sent down a ladder from heaven. I also wish Jesus would give me a pony. I mean, while I'm asking for things....
How about you? How do you deal with these confusing times with the Lord?
How do you 'be still" and just KNOW that He is God?
Update: I feel like I should share that we all survived the sleepover. It all went just as planned, and the girls had a blast. I am still sleeping off the effects of it, but all is well! I was just so happy that my girlie got exactly the party she wanted and was so happy about it!
Linked Up With:
A Mama's Story, The Better Mom, and Working Kansas Homemaker