Chest pains, trouble breathing, nausea, heart beating out of my chest....the beast is back. This beast is a senseless, useless, completely unwanted fellow.This all makes no sense.
That's what I keep thinking. I mean, they tag what I have with phrases like "Anxiety issues" and "panic disorder", and everything I read (especially Christian things) tells you how to relax, stop worrying, let go and blah blah. Here's the thing: I'm not worried. I'm not stressed. This, in my life, is truly SENSELESS.
As I sit here, in the middle of my second try at the medication dance, I am trying desperately to praise Him in this, to not let this consume me. So tired of daily life being all about ME and survival.
What keeps running through my mind is an old Casting Crowns song...
I will praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I cry
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I am so thankful God has brought this to mind. I have literally laid here in my bed with my arms lifted high, praising Him.
How? How do people go through these things (and much worse) without a loving heavenly Father who we know loves us and cares what we're going through? I am truly mystified by this.
I'm quite sure that by the time I post this, all will be well. That's the way this dance works, today is awful but tomorrow will be quite all right. So, no worries (Jessica...), I have full faith that at some point we will figure this thing out and I'll be looking back on this as a time when God pulled me out of the pit.
I write this, not so that you will feel sorry for me, or leave me "oh no!" comments. No. I write this because I want you to know that you are not alone. That we all struggle. Whether it's with a mental issue like mine or a physcial or spiritual one. We all struggle together. It's called "community", and it is beautiful.
This life is not a prima donna on stage with her solo performance. This life we live together is much more like a crazy country western line dance. So let's all heel-toe-dosey-doe knowing that we have friends to help us along the way.
Linked up with: The Better Mom, What Joy is Mine, A Holy Experience, The Miss-Elaine-ous Life, Working Kansas Homemaker,
Far Above Rubies
Time-Warp Wife
Thank you, Amy. We're on this together, this thing we call life. Community. I love that word and what it stands for.
ReplyDeleteI have dealt with depression issues on and off since college (even though there is nothing in my life to be depressed about). And I too, do the medication "dance". Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteAnd to you!
DeleteWe do all struggle. I struggle with my weight and the demons in my head about food and my issues there. As my Daddy always says "everybody's got something". This is a beautiful life but it's not perfect by any means. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteThank you Elaine! Beautiful but not perfect is a perfect way to describe our lives. It only makes heaven THAT much more appealing!
DeleteI felt the exact same way this morning. Good to know I'm not in this alone. :) I pray that you feel better! Lauren, lholmes79.wordpress.com
ReplyDeleteAnd I will pray that you feel better. It's misery, isn't it? I have found relief with certain medications, but mostly only relief in the moment, not all the junk that comes before and after. You are not alone.
DeleteAmy, I have struggled with severe panic disorder for ten years, and the beast has just recently reared it's ugly head once again in my life as well. I find comfort in your blog, and your ability to put the confusion and "senselessness" of this entitiy into words. Thank you for helping me to not feel so alone, and for your openness in sharing your struggles. We are more than conquerors, and I stand strong in the knowledge of that very important truth.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kathi! You are not alone, even though in the moment of this senselessness it feels like no one else in the world knows what this feels like. My husband has just begun to understand that this is an actual PHYSICAL thing, and not just "feeling bad". Praying you find relief!
DeleteAmy, I read this post and it was like I was looking in the mirror. I started having these same issues about six months ago. Out of nowhere they started popping up, I of course thought I was having heart problems so I went to get myself checked out, but nothing. Little by little the symptoms and feelings started to consume me, I started to fall into a pit of fear and doing daily life was a struggle. I cried out to the only one who knew what I was going through, my father God. I asked him to take it away, but like Paul he said "my grace is sufficient for you" It has been and although I still deal with it from time to time, it has gotten much better thanks to my father! I was told that perhaps it has do with menopause, especially something called peri-menopause, you might want to read up on it. Your absolutely right when you say that without God how would we cope? I for one cannot. I know what you are going through and I want to tell you that I am here for you. If you ever need to talk, please write me. My prayers go out to you my sister in Christ.
ReplyDeleteI wonder all the time if this has something to do with my hormones, especially that at "certain" times of the month it is so much worse. Thanks you for your concern and encouragement! It's nice to know that we can get better!
Deleteugh, I could have wrote this post myself. I have a high anxiety and it's coupled with PPD. And yes, I too find myself praising and praying to GOD every single day, particularly in the middle of the night when I'm struck with unexplainable worry.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing, and sharing your heart.
How could we do it without HIM? It makes you understand so much of the sadness and bad things that go on in the world.
DeleteThanks for sharing. I don't have the same struggles, but a family member does and reading your posts really helps me to find the common ground I need to relate to this person. So, you are helping the outer ripples too. I appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteFor some reason I clicked on your site from the long list of sites from 1,000 gifts site.
Yes, I know the same beast. There are no set answers- some of us have brain chemisty issues. It is just as if one has diabetes and they need insulin to keep them going.
I am a member of a Christian site for those with chronic illness and we have a subgroup for depression, anxiety etc. THe address is peaceici.net if you want to look into it.
I pray that things will go better for you.
Carol A.
hi Amy! Just saw on FB that you're moving today. That's one of the top 5 stress factors, so that may have something to do with it. Praying for a peaceful move (yes, it could happen!). Keep praising Him! -diane
ReplyDeleteThank you for your Godly perspective and the WONDERFUL reminder that we are not alone in our sufferings.
ReplyDeleteAmy...I've only had one panic attack and it was scary and awful. I can't imagine having more than one. But I am encouraged that your trust in God reassures you. Thank you for linking up again this week and I'm saying a prayer for you.
ReplyDeleteI began having panic attacks years ago. I suffered with them for six months before I went on medication, which greatly helped. Three months later I was able to go off the medication and no more attacks.
ReplyDeleteA couple of years went by and I started having them again. I went back on the meds for a few months and then was able to go off them. I have been off the medication for a couple of years now. I get maybe one or two attacks a year. I have pills if I need it just in case, and I say "God bless that pill!"
Usually I just recognize "Oh, I'm having an anxiety attack" and since I know what it is, I know it can't hurt me, I am usually able to pray, ignore it and it doesn't escalate. It goes away very quickly. I used to have attacks daily, several times a day, so a few times a year (if that) isn't really a problem, although they can be uncomfortable.
On occasion it HAS escalated to the heart pounding, feeling like you can't breathe thing. It's hard to ignore when your body is in fight or flight.
When I was first diagnosed my doctor told me to talk to my pastor's wife. Well, guess what, I AM the pastor's wife and so I'd be talking to myself, lol!
One thing I did was write down comforting verses on 3x5 cards. It is hard to think truth when your body is freaking out and your mind is having a hard time staying calm.
So I carried God's promises around in my purse or pocket (still do). When I was in an attack, I would whip out those verses and start reading them and praying them. They put the Word of God in my heart and in my mind, when I was having a hard time concentrating.
My triggers were driving long distance in a car, going to someone's house, going to a movie or a play where I'd have to sit and be "trapped," going to the store, being on display or in front or people, etc. I can now just leave the house and go somewhere without even thinking about it, and I thank the Lord for that. I've been to movies, plays, even flown on airplanes, all without a problem and no need for meds either.
During those dark days I envisioned myself holding onto God's hand or sitting in His lap. I envisioned myself in the waiting room with God, just waiting for Him to call my name. I knew that soon it would be MY turn, and so I prayed to wait patiently until I heard my name.
I don't know whether they will ever come back daily again, or whether they will remain a distant memory. But I do know that I have found God to be faithful in them and through them, and that I can trust Him, and that is enough for me!
So whether He delivers me from them or through them, it is enough. HE is enough. I will pray for you, my friend. As you said, we're all in this together and none of us is alone.
I have had several in the grocery store, it really is a trapped feeling. I've made my husband sit in the car and wait for me before, just in case. WEIRD feelings. Thank you for your encouragement! Right now it's under control, with meds, thank the LORD. But I know it's still there, underlying, so I'm trying to work through with God what is going on. When I figure it out, that's a whole OTHER blog post!
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