Cactus.

I am attempting to type this without using the index finger on my left hand.  Why, you ask?  Because we went for a nature walk today and I grabbed a cactus.  Yeah, on purpose.  With full knowledge of what I was doing. It just didn't LOOK spiky.  It was a sneaky fella.  I got the other 30 or so spines out, but there is one stubborn one that just really likes its new home.

I sent my husband to get our picnic stuff, and instead he moved the vehicle closer.  I told him that was a good idea, moving our truck closer.  He pointed out that we don't own a truck.

Did I mention that when I grabbed the cactus my husband didn't laugh or react in any way?  I asked him later why he didn't react, he said it was because it didn't surprise him.  Kinda like the other day when he said my going crazy was "unavoidable".  Thank you JESUS for a man who loves me even though I'm psycho.

And this is the way my weaning off the meds is going.  Anyone who ever tells you medications don't really affect you is LYING.  Lying.  I'm down to a fourth of that little blue pill and I am determined sometime this week to stop all together.

It's possible I should be locked in a padded room for the first few days.

I've linked this post to:

A Familiar Visitor

Unexpected.  Unwanted.  Familiar.....

Scene: 3AM, sleeping soundly, awaken to a cold sweat, shaking uncontrollably, heart beating out of my chest, ahhhhhh, here you are PANIC, I've so NOT missed you.

It was almost a year ago when we moved into this house.  When I opened that last box and sighed and was happy it was over, and then my world turned sideways - literally.  A problem I had dealt with off and on (read this: once every six months or so...)for years suddenly became a DAILY problem.  I was non-functioning for months, disrupting my life, my children's life, my poor husband's, even my parents who had to come stay with us for a while and help out.

After four months of dealing with it myself, my sweet Doctor gently chided "are we ready to try my way now?".  Yes, yes I'm ready.  It's either your way or I will not survive.  Praise the Lord for medication when it is needed.

I swallowed down calmness.  My heartbeat returned to normal.  I could breathe.  The rooms no longer spun and I GOT OUT OF BED.  For seven months a little blue pill has returned somewhat-normal to me.  But here's the thing - I couldn't see.  Yep, that sounds weird, but my lifelong 20/20 vision turned into squinting to see EVERYTHING.  It felt like when you wake up in the morning with sleepy eyes - and they never went away.

And I instantly gained 5 pounds.  That's 5 pounds on top of the, um, #%pounds that already needed to be lost. Everything I try to do to lose these pounds has been thwarted by this medication that has completely screwed with my metabolism.

Have I mentioned I'm leading a weight-loss competition?  Yeah, the leader has lost a whole 2 pounds in two months.  MEDICATION.  Well, medication and brownies.

So, I am in the process of quitting.  It's terrifying.  If it doesn't work I will switch to a different med, because I'm not against meds.  But first I'm trying to do without.  For weeks now I've been dealing with side-effects of weaning off, but no panic.  I have been extremely thankful.

Until 3AM this morning.

I have to ask my husband repeatedly to remind me that all this is worth it.

The extreme edginess with everyone, the inability to find the right words at strange times, sleepiness, dizziness, crying at random times, outbursts of anger (I'm blaming that on this, yes).  I ask him frequently if he thinks I'm going crazy.  His answer:?

"It's unavoidable."

Thanks, honey.

BUT, I can see.  Three days ago my eyesight returned!  I'm down to a fourth of that little blue pill and determined to give this a go.

So, in case I seem extra-psycho lately, now you know why.

I get to blame it all on the medication.

What's Your Story? Eve

I have to be honest with you.  I feel a little bad sharing this, but....I wanted to skip Eve.  Eve is one of those stories that I default to "I've been in church my whole life and have heard this story a million times and ....blah blah....".  Eve seemed uninteresting to me.  I only wanted to study the interesting women.  How sad does that sound?

How can I skip Eve?

My story begins with hers.

Larry Crabb explained the danger of not knowing God’s full story, “Without full story truth, I’ll flirt with atheism, struggle with unbelief, pray without passion (except maybe anger), remain devoted to my story, and continue in hopeless addiction to myself.” (emphasis mine)

Such truth.  How many of us are hopelessly addicted to ourselves?  If I don't look outside of my own story once in a while, then I am completely wrapped up in myself.  My introverted nature makes this such a reality in my life.  Addiction to myself keeps me from reaching out to my neighbor, helping the less fortunate, encouraging my husband, doing ANYTHING outside this female frame.  That's the epitome of selfishness, and not at all God honoring.  But, it's also my struggle.

So, I surrounded myself this past week with Eve. I tried to wrap my mind around what it must have been like to be completely perfect, without blemish, completely at peace.  No pain, frustration, guilt, shame, body image issues, fear....my panic disordered-self can't imagine a life with no fear.  No matter how much I tried, I couldn't imagine it.

Our human minds are too colored with sin to imagine perfection.


Ann Spangler states it this way:  “She came into the world perfectly at peace with her God and with her husband, the only other person on the planet.  She lived in Paradise, possessing every pleasure imaginable.  She never knew the meaning of embarrassment, misunderstanding, hurt, estrangement, envy, bitterness, grief, or guilt until she listened to her enemy and began to doubt God”.

I was so wrong about Eve.  Lessons pour from her life like tears that I know she would shed if she could stand and tell you her story herself.  Lessons about

The enemy's tactics
Flirting with temptation
Discontentment
Stepping outside of submission


But the one that pegged me the most was focusing on the ONE thing she didn't have, instead of looking around her and seeing all that she DID.  Forgetting to be content with where God has placed me, with the blessings HE has given me and looking at the greener grass at the neighbor's yard (um, that's actually literal....we have no grass and it drives me nuts).

You know what else?  I was slammed in the face with the fact that I have ignored scripture memory.  If satan is tempting me and saying "Did God really say.....?" would I be able to truly discern the answer because I have a strong knowledge of the Word?  I need to dig deeper, commit to memory, prioritize study.  If I don't, I will have nothing to bounce those questions off of.

Don't ignore Eve.  She is begging you to listen to her story, to warn you to go the other way.

Some questions for you:

-  What can you learn from her story that will help you in yours?
-  Satan was successful in getting Eve to doubt the truthfulness of God’s word and the goodness of his           motives.  What are some ways that you are tempted to doubt the truthfulness of what God has said to you?
-  What are some things that tempt you to doubt the goodness of God’s motives towards you?
-  Do you focus more on the things you don't have than the ones right in front of you?
-  Are you grounded enough in the WORD that you could discern the answers to those "Did God really say..." questions?

Let's just say I have some work to do.

Monday:  Today I will find time to do the following - home school, review my Bible study for tonight, GET ON THAT DUMB MACHINE, shower after getting on the machine, consider fixing my hair (but end up wearing a cute hat instead), teach Bible study, pass out from exhaustion.

Tuesday: Schooling, find a way to make the neighbors dogs stop pooping in my yard, RULE THE MACHINE, not snack away the calories I just blasted on the machine (even though I will be baking a king cake for Fat Tuesday because I AM a Louisiana girl...), don't get overwhelmed with the fact that hubby won't come home until 10:00 PM tonight...


Wednesday: Remember that Awanas is tonight, panic and force scripture down my children's throats, school, find time to MACHINE but give every excuse I can NOT to because then I would have to fix my hair for church, leave the house just long enough to bump into someone Catholic and accidentally tell them they have a smudge on their forehead (because somehow I do this EVERY year on Ash Wednesday)  schooling, church, pass out.

Thursday:  School, Machine, Begin the process of repainting my china cabinet, get overwhelmed with the process and give up after completely dismantling it, move it all to the garage and wait for inspiration, nap during nap time (feel guilty for not using nap time for the MACHINE to work off all that King Cake), pray for a sunny day so the kids can play outside all afternoon while I drink coffee and read magazines, go to a meeting where I smile and pretend to be a good minister's wife, leave this meeting to go to a friend's house where I drink more coffee and laugh about pretending to be a good minister's wife.

Friday:  "Public School" day (this means we do school at the library...in public), freak out when I realize the kids aren't calm enough to do school in the library (again), come home frustrated with myself for trying (again), read during nap time instead of the Machine, feel guilty for reading instead of exercising, plant my kids in front of a movie so that I can get on the machine and stop feeling guilty.

Saturday: oversleep, frustrate the whole family by forcing them to do Saturday chores.  Hope to go to "Tweekend" and hear Jon Acuff speak, because he's just really funny (http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/, if you haven't checked this out you should), drag my kids there with me because I forgot to find a babysitter and hubby is working there, not enjoy it because my kids don't think he's so funny.  Go home, read more magazines and drink more coffee.

Sunday: Worship. Sleep.  Do nothing.  Sabbath like there's no tomorrow.

A week inside my brain.  Scary, isn't it?

What are you doing this week?

Linked up today with:

Proverbs 31 in a Different Light

Proverbs 31 has been one of my favorite passages for the past 12 years.  Since the day I walked down the aisle I have been panning for gold, attempting to figure out how to do this "marriage and home" thing.  I think I've read every book there is on the subject, done every Bible study on HER, and attempted to bake my own bread, start my own business, basically emulate her in every way.  Exhausting, but a rewarding endeavor....one I will continue, I'm sure, until I'm old, wrinkly, and smell like moth balls.

But here's the thing, Proverbs 31 wasn't written for me.  Read it again, Lemuel's mother was telling him what to look for in a woman.  A SINGLE woman.  I should have started reading this passage 20 years ago!  How much better prepared for marriage would I have been if someone had pointed this out to me at 17 and said "see this passage?  This is who God wants you to be someday.  This is who the boys should be looking for someday."  So, for my single girls and guys out there, here is a little rant for you.....

For the Ladies:
You want the right man to come along? BE THE RIGHT WOMAN.  Here it is, laid out for you, here is the Bible telling you what kind of woman he wants you to be.  Imagine how much easier married life could be for you down the road if you are already praying about, and working on, being HER.

For the Men:

 

(steal this picture!  put it as your profile!!!)

READ PROVERBS 31!  Look for THIS woman.  Not the hot girl that looks good in jeans, but the woman you know will be a compassionate wife, a hard worker, a good mother to your children.  Pray for this woman to come along in your life.  Stop looking only at the outside, "charm is deceptive and beauty is FLEETING".  One day that hot girl in jeans will be old, wrinkly, and smell like moth balls - but will you STILL love her because she's also a Proverbs 31 woman?  Or will the "love" be gone because you were only looking at what was FLEETING.

Married People:
Encourage your single friends and those you mentor to dig into this passage!   As a married woman, I have very seldom even thought of sharing this passage with my girls, because it has always been for ME, not them.  But this is so untrue.  I can't wait to get to this passage in our "What's Your Story?" Bible study.  I have a feeling I will be spending more than one week on HER.

What do you think about this different view of Proverbs 31?  Have any of you read any good books on Proverbs 31 for singles?  I would love to know and pass it on!

Too Much Time on My Hands....

So, what do you do when you're stuck in bed with strep and Valentine's Day is coming?  Well, make cards OF COURSE.  What a silly question.  Because I made myself laugh (and if you know me, I laugh at myself a lot, it's strange...) I thought I would share my creations for the hubby with you.  Enjoy.

Card #1 -

And, in the second installment of my "Creepy Steve" line of greeting cards....

Happy Valentine's Day from the strep bed!

______________________________________________

Linked up today with

What's Your Story?

I'm a little stuck today.  It could be the fever, the too much lying around, the house that LOOKS like Mommy is sick and doing nothing, or it could just be a block in my brain.  I feel like I'm in neutral.  My motor is running (i.e. I'm looking around and seeing all that needs to be done...), but I'm not going anywhere.  This is when I say another "thank you" to the FATHER for what we call in this house - The Big Brown Chair.  My present residence.

BUT, it does give me ample to time to study, read and muddle through the Bible study I'm teaching tomorrow night.  It's called....drum roll please.....

Don't get too excited....you can't buy this at Lifeway, I made it up!  HA.  I don't know why I found that funny.

I'm taking a group of college girls through a study of the women of the Bible.  We're coming from a perspective of "story".  I'm fascinated with "story".  I have been since reading the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller about a year ago.  It's a book worth spending what little free time you have reading (and it's a quick read, as evidenced by the fact that I actually read it while hanging out at Barnes and Noble)  I immersed myself in this idea of story for so long that I'm sure my husband wanted to slap Donald Miller.  On a side note, I found this VIDEO when researching for last week's Bible study and found it thought provoking.  It's a Ted talk about "story" from Chris Seay.  

 I plan to immerse myself in it once again when I receive my signed copy that my dear friend Jessica over at SingleRoots is holding hostage.  I was a little green with envy when she got to have dinner with Donald Miller, but felt a little better when she told me she had a present.   Moving on....

The whole Bible is stories.  Correction: The Bible is A story.  Front to back it is a story of God's love for His people and his redemption of them.  There are hundreds of smaller stories in that ONE larger one, and all were placed there to teach us.  

If I want to know how to be the woman God has designed me to be, If I want to teach these young ladies how to be the woman God has designed THEM to be, why wouldn't we dive into the stories God has given us right there in His word?  

God's women, right there in the pages, waiting to tell us their story.

So, last week was our introduction and we talked about the difference between these two questions:

1.  Who are you?

2.  What's your story?

If you ask me who I am - I will give you facts.  My name is Amy, I'm married to John, I am the mother of Sadie and Jack, housewife, homeschooler, church member, and on and on.

Would you then KNOW me?  I think not.  You wouldn't know my story.

If you ask me my story, then we would grow deeper in relationship.  If you knew about the (former) abusive relationship, the loneliness, the miscarriage, the infertility, the anger and bitterness, the panic disorder, the medications, the family history of depression that killed my grandmother and separated me from my mother for the first few years of my life - If  I told you this story, friendship would grow.  Intimacy would grow.  Relationship and community would grow.  

You would know me.  

This is what I want to do with the Biblical women.  I want to know their story.  I want to dive deep and learn who they are, what they felt, how they lived and who they loved.  I want them to come alive in the room as if we could hug them and thank them.  

I loved this quote I found from Eugene Peterson,   

“Stories are the most prominent biblical way of helping us see ourselves in “the God story,” which always gets around to the story of God making and saving us. Stories, in contrast to abstract statements of truth, tease us into becoming participants in what is being said. We find ourselves involved in the action. We may start as spectators or critics, but if the story is good (and the biblical stories are very good!), we find ourselves no longer just listening to but inhabiting the story.”

Becoming participants in what is being said....
Involved in the action....
No longer listening to but inhabiting the story....


Lord, help us find our story in theirs.


So, I plug away at inhabiting the story of Eve.  I can literally say "feverishly" studying the story of Eve.  I don't think you can start a biblical womanhood study without studying the first Biblical woman!  I'm sure next week you'll hear all about it (like it or not, sorry).  


Happy Sunday!

Welcome!

After a few blog parties this week I have a few new readers out there, so WELCOME!  So excited to have you here walking this crazy journey with me!  If you blog, I would LOVE to know about is so I can catch up on your journey as well.  Leave me a comment with your blog address so I can drop in on you!

Sit back and make yourself at home.  Mi casa es su casa.  Or something like that.....

For the Singles (or friends of Singles....)

My dear friend and BFF (yes, I'm 35 and just used the term "BFF") writes for an amazing blog that I feel you should know about.  Yes, it's for singles and NO, it's not about dating.  They write from a life-perspective of living single.  It's encouraging, witty, Spiritual, and worth reading or sharing with your single friends.

Visit them!  SingleRoots

They're having a giveaway right now, so it's the perfect time to peek in!

Happy Friday.

Wednesday's PLEA

So, Monday I shared a prayer.  Slow me down.  Let me see the beauty in life, the simple things.  I told a friend last night that I am tired of ISSUES, tired of all conversation being about some ISSUE and not just everyday happenings.  I want to be rainbows and unicorns, just for a while.  I know that God uses things to teach us and mold us.  That discipline is good and grows us, but..... I don't want to learn anything today.  I just want to sit and soak in the sun and love God.

Wednesday's PLEA

HELP!
I need so much help today.
I need help to not be so impatient with my children
They're just acting like children.
Really, do I want them to be quiet and sit and read books and drink tea all day?
They would grow up weird.  They have us for parents, so the deck is already stacked against them.

I need help to homeschool well today.
Laundry is not more important than teaching my kid to read.
Dishes will wait until later.
No one is going to take me away to "Mommy Jail" if my kids eat cereal for lunch.

Help me not to let my six hours of sleep
affect my attitude towards EVERYONE.

I need help to get off my booty and get on "the machine".
"The Machine" always make me feel better afterward,
I need this burned into my brain.
I am the leader of a health/weight loss group.
It's sad that I've only lost one pound.
Seriously?

Oh, there is so much more.....

Has anyone else out there ever had a day where your prayer is simply "Help!"?    Somehow it feels like I have not "finished" my time with the Lord because today there didn't seem to be any "adoration, confession, thanksgiving and supplication.....can you tell I'm a Baptist girl?" Today it was just a plea for HELP.

And I believe He will help.  The Holy Spirit gives me love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  It's my choice to use them or put them aside.

God help me.

Linking up today with Raising Homemakers today!

Monday's Prayer

This was shared by Glennon on Momastery's Facebook page.  I LOVE it, I want to live it and breathe it.  It will soon be in print and on my wall somewhere where I have to look at it all the time.  I thought you might like it too!

 (if you want to check out Momastery, it's worth your time!)  

Slow Me Down, Lord 

by Wilferd A. Peterson

Ease the pounding of my heart by quieting my mind. Steady my hurried pace. Give me, in the confusion of my day, the calmness of the everlasting hills. Break the tension of my nerves and muscles. Help me to know the magical, restoring power of sleep.

Teach me to take minute vacations by slowing down to look at a flower, a cloud, to chat with a friend, to pat a dog, to read a few lines from a good book. Remind me that the race is not always to the swift, that there is more to life than increasing speed.

Let me look upward into the branches of the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well.

Lord, slow me down. Inspire me to send my roots deep into the soil of life's enduring values that I may grow toward the stars of my great destiny.

Clever one, that guy...

We have a chalkboard over the toilet in our master bathroom.  In my imagination it was going to be the special place where my wonderful husband and I leave sweet little love notes to each other.  So far, I'm the only one who has written on it.  With the exception of the time I wrote a long list of things I love him "more than" and at the end he wrote "except Jesus" and made me feel like a jerk.  I have also learned, through experience, not to write anything that I wouldn't want my kids saying.

My dreams have taken a downhill slide lately into things like "Don't forget to get milk" and "I am not a jerk".  So romantic.  Yesterday this is what I left for him:

Because whoever build our house decided NOT to put a light fixture over the cave of a toilet we have, I know that this is possibly hard to read.  It states "please stop putting laundry behind the door".  This is a longstanding pet peeve of mine.  The age-old "why do you put your laundry NEXT to the basket instead of IN the basket".  Pretty sure I've mentioned it before.  

This morning, I walk into the bathroom to beautify myself - only to find....

Now, was this supposed to be a FUNNY for his wife?  Was he just not paying attention?  Is he sitting in church right now giggling at himself for how he got around my request (BTW, I'm not a heathen, I have a sick kiddo today....)?  

He's clever, I'll give him that.

  

A February List

The older I get, the more I appreciate February.  I don't know if it's because I'm becoming more contemplative, or because I have kids and it's fun to really do up the February holidays, or just because I can appreciate that I live in Arkansas now and not Winnipeg (or, Winterpeg as we called it) and I no longer have to check the news in the mornings to see how much skin I can show today after I go unplug my car....but I digress.  (For you Winnipegers who read me, I love you dearly.)

Reasons I love February:

1. Pink and red and chocolate.  There have been times in my life when I have not appreciated any of these three things, but that time is over.
2. The coming end to the Winter.  Not that this Winter has even BEEN Winter here in Arkansas.  I am just NOT a Winter person and long for Spring and flowers and allergies.  I would choose allergies over being cold.  Yes, I would.  Remind me I said that in April when I feel like poo.
3. Valentine's Day with a six year old daughter.  It's so much fun to get into a holiday like this when you have a little girl who is SO girly and loves all things hearts and pink.
4. Mardi Gras.  I am a native Louisiana girl, and I'll admit that growing up I did not appreciate Mardi Gras the way I should have.  It was just something that happened every year.  Rah Rah King Cake and parades and beads, whatever.  Now, King Cake......enough said.
5. Lent.  I am not Catholic, but I observe Lent.  I find this a great time of year to step up my game when it comes to my walk with the Lord.  Last year I gave up TV for Lent and it was life-changing.  (you can read about it here)  I am still praying about what to sacrifice this year.  But I would encourage anyone who has never looked into Lent to study up and join me.
6. A renewed focus on my marriage and amazing husband.  February just seems like a natural time to reevaluate my attitudes and actions towards my husband.  Reading books, spending more time, praying about what inside of me needs to change to be a better help-mate to him.  
7. And last, but not least, King Cake.  Oh, wait, did I already mention that?  Shoot.  I should have made that it's very own category. 

Happy February ladies and gentlemen!  

Linking up with "Women Living" Well today.  Very encouraging as a Wife, Mother, and Homeschooler.  Go check out the other links and find you some new blogs to follow!!!