I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell....

It's late in the evening, I'm attempting to get clothes ready for the next morning when my family has to get up extra early and I have IT.  The night that (I hope..or maybe it's just me...) every woman has at least once a year.  The night that I throw a toddler-like tantrum that none of the clothes in my closet fit me.

My husband attempts to console.  He tries to persuade me to go RIGHT then and buy something that fits.  Surely that will make me feel better?  Oh, men.  Men.  They just don't get it.  Not only would going shopping in that state be a good reason for some nice store clerk to call the cops and have me committed, but he also doesn't understand that I DO NOT want to buy clothes in, gulp, the next size UP.

I cry.  Yes, I sit there and cry because I'm hormonal and tired and feeling.....fat.

Funny how when daylight comes everything seems a little better.  So, today I realize he is right.  I need some pants that I can wear NOW that fit me.  Whether they fit for two months or two years, he is right.


But, when I get to the store I have this tiny voice in the back of my mind saying "You haven't shopped in a while, maybe you're wrong about your size...."  A faint flicker of hope builds inside me.

I hate that I am reduced to this.

But, *sigh* no.  The size that fit me was the one I feared.  I tried hard to act nonchalant with the tiny teenaged cashier who tried to chit chat when all I wanted to do was cry and take those dang pants home.

Have I mentioned that I hate that I am reduced to this?


But I didn't cry.  Nope.  I went home and got on my machine.  And when my husband peeked in the room and said "You're STILL on the machine?" I answered with what will now be my new LIFE STATEMENT.  Are you ready for it?

"You know what works better than crying?  Sweating." 

Please, someone, tell me I'm not alone in this.  Am I crazy?  Has this happened to you?   

Linked up with:  Working Kansas Homemaker
Raising Arrows 

Just For Fun Friday Link-up!

It's FRIDAY!  Time for relaxing, hanging out and just sharing things on your heart!  I've got a few just for fun things to share with you that made my week special!

1.  My little Sadie's birthday.  It was so much fun celebrating her entry into "7" with my family this week.  My mom and dad came up in their RV to stay the week with us, so we celebrated Sadie with a cookout at the RV park complete with roasted hot dogs, Smores and my husband lighting the world on fire when he realized that the "quick light charcoal" truly does light quickly when poured straight from the bag into the fire.

2.  My Mom teaching Sadie "Home Ec".  Sadie loves to sew, she will tell you very quickly that she has been sewing since birth.  Every time Gramma is around the sewing machine comes out and I end up with all kinds of interesting things.  This week Gramma decided to teach Sadie how to cut out a pattern and make clothing.  So glad someone in our family will know how to do this..... here's the finished pajama shorts project!

3.  I have mourned the loss of Picnik.  I used it ALL THE TIME.  At a loss as to what to do without it in this life, I stumbled upon PicMonkey.  I am in love.  I think it's even easier to used than Picnik and am so glad someone ripped off the idea and capitalized on the closing of Picnik.  Thank you, PicMonkey, for filling the I'm-too-cheap-to-spend-money-on-photo-editing-software hole in my life. 

4.  This picture...

because after making a little mistake my hubby brought me a hanging flower basket.  Make more mistakes, darling.

5.  And.....YOU made me happy this week!  It was so fun to see how many people linked up last week and jumped in for the giveaway!  It made me wish we were independently wealthy so I could just send each and every one of the you the prize.  OH I wish I could do a giveaway every week!  Maybe I should look for some sponsors....

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN!  Jump in and link up to your favorite post of the week!  Please make sure to link to the actual post instead of straight to your blog.  Make sure to link back here so we can find each other.  There's a pretty little button over there for you to use if you choose!

Birthdays, Socialized Medicine, and Miracles

Her brand new birthday bike!

Yesterday was a very special day in our household.  My firstborn turned 7 years old!  I still can't believe it, that does not sound right to me.  You see, she was just born yesterday.  I remember.  It was YESTERDAY.

I often wonder how such a small baby could possibly draw the things she does, create the art projects she does, read chapter books, want to take the training wheels off her new bike and never stop playing the piano - all when she's still a BABY.  I'm pretty sure I need a reality check. 

Sadie's birthday started me thinking about the actual day of Sadie's birth.  Something you may not know about my sweet firstborn is that she is a dual citizen - her nickname is Sadie Ann the Canadianne.  My husband calls her our Canadian souvenir.  She was actually an illegal alien in our country until she was 2.  That's a ridiculous story for another day, our government just did NOT know what to do with her.

When people hear us say that we lived in Canada for the first 7 years of our marriage the question comes  - inevitably......"So, what was socialized medicine like?"  We have gotten this question ALOT in the last four years since our President was elected.  I always answer with Sadie's birth story.  Which begins like I'm a hero.

I was in labor with her for 40 hours.  That's right.  See, a hero.

Well, it sounds heroic until you realize that I was in a hospital, given an epidural before I was dilated to 2, and slept through the entire thing.  Forty hours after my water broke, after Sadie had been with no fluid in my womb for several hours - socialized medicine decided maybe we should do a c-section.  All the while, my American ER nurse-mother was crawling the walls and about to kill someone (I was blissfully drugged and unaware of the danger in my first-time-birth-haze).  

Sadie was born with a fever and put in the NICU for a week, I hemorrhaged and lost half my blood volume and spent another week in the hospital.  My recovery from that c-section?  Six months.  Seriously.  Six months and 3 uterine infections later I felt normal again.

But, hey - I walked away from that paying zero.  Yay for socialized medicine.

This was not an isolated incident for us.  When we first moved to Winnipeg it took us over a year to find a doctor because all the "good" ones were gone.  You see, when you are a doctor who doesn't make enormous amounts of money like they do in the states, then you take a CERTAIN amount of patients and you cut it off forever until someone dies or moves.  We eventually found someone who was 45 minutes from us and got mad at John for calling him "doc".

OH, and my favorite story - in that year when we couldn't find a doctor I developed a huge lump behind my right ear and needed to get it checked.  I went to a walk-in clinic and a nice doctor gave me this advice after checking my lump "You should stop touching yourself.  You will always find things you don't like."  

Now, I know that I have Canadian readers so I need to clarify a few things.  I love Canada.  I would say 90 percent of my heart is still there.  My husband and I have been praying for years that God would send us back and hope to one day be sipping Tim Horton's again with our Canadian family while looking out on the banks of snow.  I would never let our health-care issues keep us from the Country that has my heart.  And, I never really heard Canadians complain about their health care system.  I think maybe when you have always been in it you don't know the difference?  I guess I can't conjecture that, I just know our experience and because of our experience Obama-care would never be my first choice.

I cannot BELIEVE I just blogged about something political.  That kinda blows my mind. 

But, even with that birth story I would not change one moment of my sweet daughter's life.  Another thing you need to know about her - she's a miracle.  When I found out I was pregnant with Sadie I was in the middle of menopause.  Yes, you heard me right.  Six months earlier I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure and told we would never be able to carry children (even through in vitro).

I will remind her she is a miracle for the rest of her life.  How can a girl have self-worth issues when she knows that God performed a miracle to get her here?  At least, that's my hopes....

Happy birthday Sadie Ann the Canadianne! 

Linked up with: Intentional Me, Women Living Well, Time-Warp Wife, Your Thriving Family

And the Winner is........

Ladies and Gentlemen!  Using the website random.org - the winner is.....

Malaika!

She blogs at Etsy in Real Life, and has some REALLY cute stuff!   Right now 25% of her sales is funding her family going on a mission trip to the Turks and Caicos Islands! (missions is SUCH a part of my heart, this makes me love her even more!)

So go help support her family, you'll get some cute stuff in the process!!!!

Thank you to everyone who linked up and commented, I had such a good time reading all your comments!  I know most of you are around all the time, but comments are so rare that it was good getting to read them!!!

Again, THANK YOU!!!!!

Giveaway Ends Tonight!

Okay ladies and gentlemen, if you haven't signed up for the giveaway yet then you only have about 8 more hours to do it!  Pieces of Amy is giving away a copy of Every Body Matters (click here for an excerpt of the book!)  by Gary Thomas to one lucky winner!  This book really encouraged me in my walk with the Lord and my journey of health - so I wanted to share with YOU!

How do you enter the giveaway?  

1.  Link your blog to the party and leave me a comment saying you linked and leave your email address.  

2.  Become a "follower" and leave me a comment with your email address. Already a follower?  Leave a comment and tell me so! (with your email address)

3.  Follow me on Facebook - leave a comment and tell me you followed (with your email address)!

You can be entered three times!!!!

I'll announce the winner Monday, April 23rd

(I mean, really - doesn't everyone start health related stuff on Mondays?) 

Feel free to pass this along!  Good luck!

 

JFFF Link-up Party and a Giveaway!

Just For Fun Fridays Link-up AND a Giveaway!!!!

It's Friday!  I don't know about you, but I am ready for the weekend.  As a home schooler, I am ready for some non-school days!!!  Everything in me wants to start the weekend TODAY, but then I remember that my kids DO need to learn to read and write, and I would really like them to NOT still be in Kindergarten and 1st Grade when they are 22.  So, the books will be cracked open as soon as my daughter wakes up.  It's almost 10 AM, ahhh the beauty of homeschooling....

How was your week?  Filled with life's highs and lows?  This week has been marked by several things for me.  One was a return of some of my panic disorder issues.  My "experiment" of going off my medication is starting to really get in my face and say "What are you going to do about it?"  I'm determined to give it a really good TRY at lifestyle change, and this week it has absolutely AMAZED me the difference between the days I exercise and the days I don't.  It is night and day, really.

No worries, I'm nowhere close to needing medication, I just apparently lived in some fairytale land where all my ills were cured and I would never have this feeling in my chest again.

It's also been a week of restarting school for us.  The flu that knocked us down two weeks ago really wrecked our home school schedule.  How in the world do people stay on schedule???? I really do ponder this  - Are there really any home school mom's that stay on course all the time, or is that just a myth perpetuated by all these unicorns-and-rainbows home school blogs I read? 

I'VE DECIDED TO DO A 

GIVEAWAY!!!!

You know why I made that bold???  Because I know sometimes people who are linking just scroll down to the linky party - if that's you I hope you stopped at "Giveaway"!!!!!

I recently finished the book Every Body Matters by Gary Thomas and had that "OH wow, I wish every one I knew would read this book!" feeling, so I've decided to help out at least one of you!  This book is the best book on a Godly perspective of health and weight loss I have ever read, seriously.  I want to be a personal book-pusher for Gary Thomas.  

How do you enter the giveaway?  

1.  Link your blog to the party and leave me a comment saying you linked and leave your email address.  

2.  Become a "follower" and leave me a comment with your email address. Already a follower?  Leave a comment and tell me so!

3.  Follow me on Facebook - leave a comment and tell me you followed (with your email address)!

You can be entered three times!!!!

I'll announce the winner Monday, April 23rd

(I mean, really - doesn't everyone start health related stuff on Mondays?) 

  

So, now for the PARTY!!!!

Link to whatever post you like!  What's your favorite from the week?  What's the one that your heart went into the most?  We want to know!

Make sure you link back so we can find each other and keep the party going.  Feel free to grab my button for the link-up party on the right and share share share!!

Holy Leisure

I finally cracked open Celebration of Discipline.  This will be my second time through this book, the first time being pre-children seminary days.  Let me tell you the difference between pre-children seminary days and the present in Amy's life - my thoughts actually stayed in my brain.  I did not lose them 3.23 minutes later.  At that time I read this book slowly, soaking in every word and then discussed it with other people digging through the same gold mine I was.  It was beautiful, time-consuming, and hard.  It did so much for my walk with the Lord that I knew it was a book that would be on my shelf forever.  I've been wanting to re-read it ever since.

Any guesses why I haven't?

This book requires time, and actual thought.  This is not a light read that you can zoom through in two days and smile and sigh at the end and go about your business.  This is a slow, make-sure-you've-got-your-brain-turned-on kinda book.  But guys and gals - it's worth it.

So, I dig in.  The first discipline he discusses in the book is Christian meditation, something I have never (even pre-children seminary days) been able to do very well.  I am the classic "sit down to read and pray and my mind starts to plan meals or watch squirrels play".  I have the hardest time focusing my thoughts.  So, I'm excited to learn about meditation and start practicing.

Here's a little gem I stumbled on and my heart reached out and grabbed:

" We must come to see, therefore, how central our whole day is in preparing us for specific times of meditation.  If we are constantly being swept off our feet with frantic activity, we will be unable to be attentive at the moment of inward silence.  A mind that is harassed and fragmented by external affairs is hardly prepared for meditation.

The church Fathers often spoke of 'Otium Sanctum', "holy leisure".  It refers to a sense of balance in the life, an ability to be at peace through the activities of the day, an ability to rest and take time to enjoy beauty, an ability to pace ourselves.  With our tendency to define people in terms of what they produce, we would do well to cultivate "holy leisure""

WOW.  Make me think of the old Calgon commercials "Otium Sanctum!  Take me away!"  Oh to live like this! 

Funny story: He gives an example of beginning to practice meditation by meditating on the amazing scripture "My peace I give to you"  John 14:27.  It's 11:00 PM, I'm lying in bed about to drift off to sleep, family sleeping - all is peaceful.  Wow, seems like a good time to meditate on His peace (not really, since I will most likely fall asleep) - so I wade in.  I am instantly realizing how my life would be different if the truth of HIS PEACE in ME really would sink in - and then..... my son wakes up with diarrhea and my daughter wakes up screaming to tattle that he's out of his bed.  Total silence to complete chaos in mere seconds.  So peaceful.

When all of it was over I had to just lay back down and laugh.

But that was just practice number one, determination will keep me going.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Linked up today with:  SomeGirlsWebsite,
Homemaker by Choice
Holy Spirit Led Homeschooling

Too much thinking, my brain hurts....

I am not a thinker.

There is rarely a time where I'm just sitting around pondering something, or even have lots of thoughts just floating through my brain.  I am a doer.  When I do the dishes, I just DO the dishes - I don't pray or think or dream.  When I go for a walk, I don't spend sweet time with the Lord praying and thinking through problems and issues, I'm thinking "Oh, look at that tree.  Oh a squirrel..."  It took me a long time to realize that there wasn't something wrong with me, that it was okay to be this way.  It's just the way I'm made. 

So, when I have days that I feel like I'm "too much in my own head" I start to get a little concerned.  Obviously this is not ME, this is the Lord trying to work through something in me.  It completely depends on my mood and what day it is whether I'll react with an "okay, let's do this thing", or a "time to get under the covers and hide from the world".

Today has been one of those days.  Today has been a hiding day, without the actual benefit of being able to hide.  Thoughts are swirling, my brain is hurting.  The Lord is speaking and I feel like I'm straining and -  just. can't. figure. it. out.  You know what I mean?  Ever been there?  That nebulous feeling of knowing something needs to change, that something is diseased and needs to be cut out - but unsure if it's the appendix or the big toe?

I'm there.  REALLY there.

I know at least part of the issue is a nagging feeling lately that I am missing something in the raising of my children.  Not a "guilty Mom always feels like she's not doing enough" sort of thing, a genuine knowing that something is missing.  Sunday school and worship today was geared toward encouraging us to step out and give of ourselves, to look outside our little worlds and see how we can minister in the world around us.  This has been one of my major thoughts lately - that for the last year of my life I've been coasting in this area and am raising my children to be selfish people.

Our last year has been about survival - and when you're in survival mode it's very easy to forget that there is need outside your own little head.  I don't want to be there anymore.  I don't want to teach my children to be there either.

I like lists.  I wish Jesus would magically give me a list of things He wants me to change/do to check off.   Again, I am leaning toward legalism and missing the beauty of the grace-process.  Maybe while I'm sleeping tonight I could see a glowing to-do list being sent down a ladder from heaven.  I also wish Jesus would give me a pony. I mean, while I'm asking for things....

How about you?  How do you deal with these confusing times with the Lord?

How do you 'be still" and just KNOW that He is God?  


Update:  I feel like I should share that we all survived the sleepover.  It all went just as planned, and the girls had a blast.  I am still sleeping off the effects of it, but all is well!  I was just so happy that my girlie got exactly the party she wanted and was so happy about it!

Linked Up With:
A Mama's Story, The Better Mom, and Working Kansas Homemaker

My return, and JFFF Link-up Party!

I'm alive.  I am.  I keep reminding myself of this.  Other than the "smoker's cough" leftover from this flu, the kids and I are on the mend.  So glad the fevers are done, but I will have a six-pack of abs when this cough is over.

It's a good thing the flu is done, because something even more taxing is coming.  I need the strength to return to my bones because tonight is something that needs stamina.....

My daughter's 7th birthday sleepover party. 

Pray for me, please.

And now for the fun!   It's Just For Fun Friday link-up!

Link to whatever post you like!  What's your favorite from the week?  What's the one that your heart went into the most?  We want to know!

Make sure you link back so we can find each other and keep the party going.  Feel free to grab my button for the link-up party on the right and share share share!!

Just for Fun Friday Link-up Party!

Just for fun Friday Link-up Party!

 

 (for those of you who are worried about my sanity, I am aware that this is actually Thursday... I just fear that tomorrow I may not be getting out of bed!)

Welcome to the weekend!  I hope this week has been a blessing to you.  There have been some pretty major ups and downs in my life since last Friday.  I spent an amazing weekend with some college friends, and then came home to the flu invading our home.  I am currently the one under attack. Thankfully, germs are not contagious via Internet.  

Here's a few things that have made even the flu seem a little better....

1.  Sweet friends and fellowship.

 2.  A "restart" in the weight loss/healthy living competition that I help facilitate.  

We started January 1st and have all seemed to be falling away, but this is the month we kick it in gear!  I blogged my declaration of failure here, then posted my plan for April  (after the flu retreats...).  Love the saying "A goal without a plan is just a dream..."

3.  My daughter started her first journal this week.  

I bought her an inexpensive notebook and told her she could write her thoughts or anything she wanted in it.  I heard her lying in bed say "I'm quite the journalist" with a sigh and her notebook on her chest.  She's six, it made me smile.

4.  The lead up to Easter.

The lead up to Easter is always a time of reflection for me.  I usually observe Lent but this year I felt no leading to,  so it's been a bit different for me.  I try to spend the week reminding my children about why we observe Easter and what it all means, doing books, lessons and videos.  I'm having to give myself a lot of grace this year, with this whole flu thing - it's wiped out our whole week so far. I'm just praying it goes away so we can actually GO to worship on Easter!

5.  My husband

I have to give some huge thanks to my wonderful husband who took over total childcare and household duties for five days so that I could go spend sweet time with my friends.  He's very glad the flu waited until I got back. 

Now it's your turn!  Why don't you share a post from your week with us!  Link up as many as you like and make sure to back link here (steal the button if you like!) so that we can all find each other.  Happy Linking!

Hey, girl....

I felt guilty. I did. His little eyes, red rimmed.  Rubbing them saying "I'm okay, I'm okay" as I drove away made me think really hard about turning the car back around.  I felt guilty about leaving the kids, leaving my husband, the school that would be missed, the money that would be spent, the rich foods sure to be eaten.  GUILT was everywhere.

Then I started driving.  Five hours alone in the car and with each passing mile there were weights dropping off of me.  Once I realized that I AM doing this, there's no backing out I knew that I needed to chill out and breathe.  So I did.  I breathed.  For the first two hours I didn't even turn on the radio, it was just me and God and some really beautiful countryside.

Then I pulled out old CD's that were long forgotten and had a few concerts with some old Bebo Norman and Caedmon's Call and I worshipped and cried and talked to God about all the things that I hadn't found time to REALLY hash out.

It was all worth it just for the car ride.

But then came the friendships.  My old northern roomie (the one who used to call me dainty and laugh at me for asking her to turn off the "big light") who has always been able to make me laugh no matter the situation.  We've been through ups and downs, but it's amazing how you can not see each other for two years and just pick RIGHT up where you left off like it was yesterday.

My oldest and dearest friend, Jessica, who keeps me in line and likes to pick on me (yep, I said it.  Go ahead and comment on it, Bufkin....) but loves me dearly.  As evidenced by all the mathematical bloopers I made this weekend that ended up with this on my facebook wall (she made it just for me...) , thank you very much friend...

Thankfully shes a planner so that we all actually get together every now and then. 

The sweetest doctor I know who has no idea that she is a shining light of faith to everyone around her.  She really doesn't.  She has MS and you would never know it from her attitude, her smile, her talk of the Lord.

There were six of us all together, studying James, eating lots of brownies and laughing until our sides hurt.  We cried over lost babies, lost sanity, and lost dreams.  We laughed over our mommy bellies and old antics. We went to bed much earlier than we would have 10 years ago.

I'm pretty sure heaven will be a little like this weekend.



 Linked with:  Thankful Homemaker, Far Above Rubies, Growing Home, and Time-Warp Wife