Yes, I take medicine. No, it is not a "happy pill". I hate it when I hear it referred to that way. I instantly know that whoever uttered those words has never had issues like mine. Medicine does not make you "happy", it attempts to put you on an even playing field with everyone else so you can deal.
While I am more than thankful for medication and for the normal way I feel this morning, that doesn't mean that my panic disorder is gone. It is never gone, it is masked. I am reminded of this when I turn my head too fast and the world blurs. That's when I tend to have thoughts like "oh right, I'm not normal."
normal person: "I'm stressed"
medicated panic disorder: "Oh my gosh, is it coming back? Is the beating going to slow? Am I going to have a panic attack? Has my medicine stopped working? Am I losing my mind? I don't want to go back there *flashbacks of not being able to get out of bed, not being able to take care of my family, not being able to function in this world*. Do I need to call my doctor? Do I need to call friends to pray? I can't go back there, I can't go back there, I can't go back there......" Oh, I'm okay.
But, that whole dialogue with myself generally brings me to desperate prayer, and for that I am thankful. My relationship with the Lord would be nothing like it is today if it were not for the panic. It's a love/hate relationship.
For those of you out there living as I do, know that you are never alone. It feels like such an isolated thing, like we are crazy and everyone else is normal. There is no normal. Everyone is crazy. Most people just choose not to tell you about it in the church hallway, in the grocery store, or on their blogs.
I choose to tell you because I want you to know we're in it together. That depression/anxiety/panic is a battle fought every day, medicated or not. That God is our refuge and strength, he is an ever present help in time of trouble (Psalm 46:1), and to encourage you to fall on HIM.
He's truly the only one who can catch us. Let's fall together.
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