While I am more than thankful for medication and for the normal way I feel this morning, that doesn't mean that my panic disorder is gone. It is never gone, it is masked. I am reminded of this when I turn my head too fast and the world blurs. That's when I tend to have thoughts like "oh right, I'm not normal."
normal person: "I'm stressed"
medicated panic disorder: "Oh my gosh, is it coming back? Is the beating going to slow? Am I going to have a panic attack? Has my medicine stopped working? Am I losing my mind? I don't want to go back there *flashbacks of not being able to get out of bed, not being able to take care of my family, not being able to function in this world*. Do I need to call my doctor? Do I need to call friends to pray? I can't go back there, I can't go back there, I can't go back there......" Oh, I'm okay.
But, that whole dialogue with myself generally brings me to desperate prayer, and for that I am thankful. My relationship with the Lord would be nothing like it is today if it were not for the panic. It's a love/hate relationship.
For those of you out there living as I do, know that you are never alone. It feels like such an isolated thing, like we are crazy and everyone else is normal. There is no normal. Everyone is crazy. Most people just choose not to tell you about it in the church hallway, in the grocery store, or on their blogs.
I choose to tell you because I want you to know we're in it together. That depression/anxiety/panic is a battle fought every day, medicated or not. That God is our refuge and strength, he is an ever present help in time of trouble (Psalm 46:1), and to encourage you to fall on HIM.
He's truly the only one who can catch us. Let's fall together.
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Thanks for sharing this Amy. It's refreshing when christians share that they are not perfect and not superhuman. Instead, completely human and prone to the same pains, disorders, and problems as everyone else. Sadly, the most free I had ever felt was when I was put in a mental hospital for depression. There was no facade to try to put up for anybody and no pretending like I had it all together, because hey...I was in a MENTAL HOSPITAL. Everyone knew I wasn't there just vacationing or on a spa retreat. But that's not important, I just shared that so that you know that I know that it's not easy to share personal weaknesses or hurts but trust that it can help someone (and you may never even know it).
ReplyDelete2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
God Bless
``Winter``
Thank YOU Winter, for being open as well.
DeleteI know all too well where you are coming from! It isn't talked about enough and thanks for being so brave to share! I so agree everyone is crazy. What is normal anyway? No one is normal Lol
ReplyDeleteIn many ways, I think that there aren't very many things more powerful than being transparent, so I thank you for that! It shows normal, regular, real people that they are not alone in their struggle, and they are not weird. Thanks for your courage in doing so, AMy, and I am so thankful that we have a God who knows how to take us through to the other side!
ReplyDeleteBarbara
As a fellow sufferer of this horrible entity called panic disorder, I so appreciate your post. Oftentimes, I feel so alone, and wonder if there is truly any hope, if there is anyone who can understand.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your struggles, for by doing so, you are helping me and many others make sense out of senslessness.
I also wanted to mention that panic disorder is so hard on our husbands! My sweet hubby wants so much to eliminate my suffering, but knows that he can't. He feels so helpless and I realize the tremendous toll it takes on him. If you feel so inclined, maybe you could address this on your blog one day.
That is a great idea because you are RIGHT. My husband will just get this totally lost look on his face because he has absolutely no idea how to help. I know exactly what you mean!
DeleteHi, I am also Amy and I also have Panic Disorder. It started 4 years ago and I've been to the Dr. too many times just to hear, "You are OK. When they come, take your pill, wait 30 min, take another, til it's gone." Sometimes it will be weeks since my last PA and just just about the time I start to feel easy, here they come again, sometimes 3 a week. Thank you for your blog. I know I'm not the only one, but it sure feels like it sometimes.
ReplyDeleteOh Amy, you are certainly not alone. It does feel like it though, especially when no one around you has the same issues. Maybe you could reach out to someone in your area going through it as well? I know it is a huge help to me to have a good friend who knows what I'm dealing with because she does too.
DeleteYour story sounds like mine. I and my family suffered through this until I was finally diagnosed and properly medicated. I still have some problems, but not anything like the nightmare that we were living in. I am a functional person again. I can go shopping, paying bills and whatever else I need to do without having to have my husband by my side for fear of having an attack and not having anyone there to help me. My OCD to have him there is gone! It brought me and family closer to God also. Without him, I wouldn't have made it. I realized just how much I needed Him. He has brought me through a lot and I am very grateful.
ReplyDeleteMichelle, it does bring us closer to the Lord, doesn't it? Sometimes I wish it would go away forever, but then I remember that ONE THING and it seems worth it. A little. Maybe...ha.
DeleteThank you for sharing this, Amy.
ReplyDeleteI too take meds and can relate to a lot of what you're saying.
We aren't alone and there are plenty of people--including in the church--who struggle like us. We need to talk more about it while offering hope and unconditional love.
Blessings to you,
Daphne
Absolutely Daphne! It should be talked more about, especially in our churches.
DeleteAmy,
ReplyDeleteThanks for linking up! It's great to get to know you via the wonderful world of blogging! In His Grip,
Monica
http://happyandblessedhome.com
Great post - for understanding of someone who has panic disorder. So glad that you have found Christ.. He is the way to peace through everything. That is the post I will link up on your links. (from my other blog)
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Janis
thank you Janis! And blessings to you!
DeleteLove your heart to share friend. You are my hero. I know it isn't easy.
ReplyDelete