This is life with panic disorder. Even when you're feeling well, you wonder how long it will last.
I've been thinking a lot more about heaven lately. I guess the death in our family started it, and then we lost one of our former youth to lupus this week. 25 years old, life cut way too short. But she is heaven with our Savior. I wonder what she's doing right now? I know one thing is for sure, she's not in pain anymore. No more pain, tears, wondering how long her highs would last or when her next low would begin. She is in HIS HOUSE, there is nothing better.
When I'm reminded of that my obsessing eases. What's the worst that could happen? One of my panic episodes actually turns into a heart attack (which is what they feel like) and I die? To live is Christ, to die is gain! I would leave the home I love, but I would be going to so much greater a home. An eternal one that my loved ones will one day join me in and we will be together forever. If that's the worst that can happen, then what do I have to fear?
And yet, I fear. I fear so many things.
And that's when I get stuck. Stuck between this world and that one. Between the fear of here, and the wonder of there. And I'm reminded again of the C.S. Lewis quote
"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."Have you ever been here? Tell me, how do I get past this? How do I pull up these feet that seem to be mired in muck and unable to move forward?
I move forward, praying in expectation for my feet to not only move, but to run.
Photo credit: addcovers
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link-up time!
Believing the words - choosing to trust when everyone else around believes worry shows love:) I had to pry my mind off the grip of worry! It's like learning to run a 5k face:) So sorry for your loss - will be praying that God supplies that key that opens that door!
ReplyDeleteI pray God will continue to speak to your heart and help you through these panic attacks, Amy. I'm sorry you are suffering this way. I went through a depression about 18 months ago, and I know how powerful our thoughts can be. Keep hangin' in there. With God's help you'll get past these fears. Bless you.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a post about this this week! I have suffered from depression, which my psychiatrist actually told me was a mask for my anxiety. What I have learned through the years: While I understand why you would question whether you are depressed or anxious, I don't think it helps and its possible to just get stuck here, feeling afraid. What helps is focusing on WHY you feel this way and engaging with this part of yourself in a warm, compassionate way. And reaching out for warm compassion from others, which you are doing here. I read your post about the death in your family, and it's SO understandable that you would be down and sad about it. The situation that you described is so sad. I have also found that finding a way to take care of yourself (whatever that may be: a walk, cooking something, painting) helps release some of the feeling and connect you with LIFE again. And, yes, God is the most warm and compassionate of all. To surrender to this and allow the light to buoy you is the most healing of all.
ReplyDeleteBeen there (a few times!), survived that. God loves you and has very specific reasons you are here. He has the days of your life numbered, and He will stay with you every one of them. Jack and Sadie and John thank you for your continued endurance of your personal trials. We, your friends, appreciate your heart and spirit.
ReplyDeleteGod has blessed you, even when it is not obvious to you. I know how little these wort of words mean when the black cloud descends, but tuck them in your heart of hearts and feed on them those times when you feel famished for spiritual nourishment.
God is love. God loves you. YOU were important enough to God, even before you were born, for him to craft a plan for you in His own sacrifice for you and His provision of His spirit for such a time as these.
God bless you, sweet little sis. (and I know He does!)
Keep breathing. good breath prayer to recite, Thanks Amy!
ReplyDeleteThat feeling is not a good one...one familiar to so many, including myself. He can heal and squash the spirit of fear. He is greater than it. Like you said...just breath and pray...breath and pray. he will lift you up and give you courage to take the steps needed and then you will be on the other side wondering "WHAT was so scary about that???"
ReplyDeletePrayed for you just now...
Hi, my name is Kami. I came across your blog while scrolling "next" from my blog. Yea, it's been one of those nights, I needed to read about others rather than focus on myself.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, I like you. We have a lot in common. I took air my trash out for everyone, no secret here. Thanks for being real:)
Kami