depression, on the verge of another panic episode, or just basically mentally unbalanced.
This is life with panic disorder. Even when you're feeling well, you wonder how long it will last.
I've been thinking a lot more about heaven lately. I guess the death in our family started it, and then we lost one of our former youth to lupus this week. 25 years old, life cut way too short. But she is heaven with our Savior. I wonder what she's doing right now? I know one thing is for sure, she's not in pain anymore. No more pain, tears, wondering how long her highs would last or when her next low would begin. She is in HIS HOUSE, there is nothing better.
When I'm reminded of that my obsessing eases. What's the worst that could happen? One of my panic episodes actually turns into a heart attack (which is what they feel like) and I die? To live is Christ, to die is gain! I would leave the home I love, but I would be going to so much greater a home. An eternal one that my loved ones will one day join me in and we will be together forever. If that's the worst that can happen, then what do I have to fear?
And yet, I fear. I fear so many things.
And that's when I get stuck. Stuck between this world and that one. Between the fear of here, and the wonder of there. And I'm reminded again of the C.S. Lewis quote
"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."Have you ever been here? Tell me, how do I get past this? How do I pull up these feet that seem to be mired in muck and unable to move forward?
I move forward, praying in expectation for my feet to not only move, but to run.
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