Am I all for meds if you need them? Absolutely! (This is a term Lubbockites seem to use on a regular basis) Am I a fan of being on them forever? Not really. I mean, if you don't have to be. The research I have read basically says that no one knows the long-term affects these medications have, because most of them haven't been around that long. So I would really like to not lose my sight in 20 years because I chose to continue to take meds that I could have at least tried to get off of.
That being said, how will I know if I still need them unless I try to wean off of them? This line of thinking has been the demise of several friends throughout the years, and yet I tried...
I mean, we must remember, I feel well because I take medication. It's such a trick of the mind to suddenly think "Hey, I'm feeling pretty good. Maybe I don't need this stuff (that is causing me to feel pretty good..)." Lame.
The hard heartbeat came back on day two. The wanting to crawl in bed and avoid the world came around day 5, and then day 6 I upped the dosage again. Which, of course, made me very sick because you aren't supposed to play with medications unless ordered by your doctor (yes, Stacy (my doctor friend...), I know).
So, I'm back where I started. My poor husband, I didn't tell him I changed my meds until it had been about a week and I was starting to act a little crazy. He was not happy with me.
I will probably try again one day, but for now I'm going to continue happily swallowing those two little white gems every morning, and be thankful I live in a day and age where those gems exist and I don't have to live in a haze of anxiety and depression. I have family who did that years ago, apparently it wasn't pretty.
And again, I am realizing that almost every person I get to know well enough to share this with eventually shares with me their own journey with anxiety/depression/medication. Why do we try so hard to hide this from others? What kind of community are we creating when we hide those very important parts of ourselves? Not a genuine one, that's for sure.
I will not be a shiny, plastic Jesus to my community. I will strive to be a broken, beautiful, hurting, stumbling, trying follower who (prayerfully) attracts others to meet my reason behind it all.